"I knew when I was a kid that I didn’t want kids. I never got that feeling, ever... I personally don’t know any women in this generation who have children on purpose. I didn’t ever want to be one of those women." [an interview]Read Now
"I was like, 'you treat me like the nanny and not like your wife. you don’t care about what I think and what I feel. I’m going to go insane because my only identity is the children’s mother.'" [An interview]Read Now
MW: Let’s start with the beginning of your relationship with your husband. I’ve heard you say that you went crazy over him.
Yeah… and it was really not okay in hindsight. We don’t even talk about the things I did that were crazy. Now that I’m saying it I kind of want to go home and be like…(laughs)
MW: You put up with a lot boo!
...Are we gonna talk about the time I kept throwing rocks at your house? You wanna talk about that? You don’t want to talk about that? No? You wanna talk about the time you ran away to your aunt and uncle’s because a bitch wouldn’t stop following you around and you were like, I’m just leaving the state for a little while?
MW: He left the state?
He was going to visit his parents, and I was like, but why you running? So when we met, it wasn't like a "love at first sight" kind of thing but after we'd been dating for awhile, I think I felt like, okay, I like him and he's a good guy, he meets all the criteria on my checklist -- I'm gonna do my best to make this work, because this is the idyllic set up. I was like, I'm already late getting married -- I'm 22 and I'm not married yet, I'm already behind schedule.
MW: Wait, wait, wait...
Yes..I was behind schedule at this point. Remember, I was very Midwestern. My college roommate had gotten married literally the same morning we graduated from college. So that was the norm, to marry young. And even if I wasn't married at 22, I should have known who I was going to be marrying at 23 or 24.
MW: And just to clarify -- just so people know you are not in your 60s telling this story -- how old are you?
I'm 34. (laughs) I am of the recent generation, I am not an elder. (laughs) So I was 22 when I met my husband, right after college during my first year in grad school. I had literally been back in the city for 2 or 3 months. Even though it wasn't love at first sight, it was a good bet, a safe bet. I liked him. And then as time went on I did go, between the 6 month and 1 year mark, I did go a little nutty in the head, I think.
MW: Were y'all exclusive at this time?
Yeah. I don't remember us having a discussion about being exclusive, but we were. I had told him I had never been in a monogamous relationship before, just as a statement. I felt like he should know that because at that point, I don't actually know if I can be in a monogamous relationship because I've never done it.
MW: So at this point, you've never been monogamous but you felt like you were too late getting married, which is by definition... monogamous...?
Right. So I had never been monogamous as an adult. I was with my high school sweetheart from age 15 to age 20. But I started sleeping with the head of the office of multicultural students when I was 19. So there was an overlap. And then over the course of the following three years of college from 19 to 22, I was still sleeping with him and then I had three other boyfriends during that time period. And then I moved here and the only reason my relationship with him ended was because he got married about a month after I moved. And that technically wouldn't have ended it if I had stayed back where I was but me moving and him getting married at the same time cut that off.
The first one or two people I dated when I got here, I was still overlapping then too. And then when I met my husband, I was casually dating about two or three people at that point. But I shut down everybody for him, I even put to the side the person who all these years, I thought I was going to marry. And then my husband, he refused to tell me he loved me for a really long time. A really, really long time. At least it felt like a really long time to me. If I look back on it, by adult relationship standards it probably wasn't a long time. But here's this person who, I'm making this concerted effort, I've removed everyone else from my orbit, I'm focusing on you, and I'm really trying to be a good partner, a good girlfriend, I think I'm a good girlfriend, I think you like me, I don't understand why you don't love me. So we would battle about this. In hindsight, I wonder how do you fight with someone to get them to tell you they love you?
MW: Oh, I've been there...and they know they love you. They just need to say it already.
Right. I'm like, what is the win at the end of this? He says it and I say, you don't really mean it, you're just saying it because I want you to say it, or he doesn't say it and I continue to be in my feelings about it. There's no good outcome. So this went on for months. I mean we started dating in the fall, and then Valentine's Day comes up and I'm like, grrr, and then my birthday's the next month and I'm like, grrr. I'm like, all these times that you could write it in a card keep happening. I don't know how long it took him to tell me but I know it was a lot longer that I expected. So that was what set me off, I think. I was like, everyone loves me. Why don't you love me?
MW: What was his reason?
I think his defense was always that he -- it's not something he says often or casually and he wanted to make sure that he wasn't just saying it because I was asking him to say it. So eventually he's like, I love you. But then we would have these arguments where the core issue was, all I have to offer you is my love, and that's not sufficient. It seems as though that is the most irrelevant thing in the world to you, that I love you. A million other things come before that on your scale of things that matter and I don't know what to do with this. He's like, no, no, it's fine, I don't need you to offer anything else. Again, he was always very nonchalant during these discussions. I'm crying and sobbing that this is all I can give you -- I'm in grad school, I don't have any money, all I have is my love. So that was the next permutation.
MW: This is you telling him this?
MW: Well, what else are you supposed to offer? Money?
He was really focused on making money when I met him. He's four years older than me so at this point he's 27, he's been out of college a couple of years and he wants to retire at 35. He has a regular job but he's always trying to find ways to grow his money. Everything is money, money, money. He and his best friend bought a building so they could renovate it and rent it out. This was supposed to be step 1 to their money making scheme. I used to call him Scrooge McDuck. I said all you want is a room full of money to dive in and swim around because that's all you care about. He was like, no, but it's important. And mind you I'd just moved here to go to school to be a child psychologist so I'm all in the headspace of save the world, kumbaya and he's talking about, you know, money, and I'm all, what about love? And children need love for their brains to develop right! You know, I'm super melodramatic about everything.
So the next permutation was we move in together and I'm like, all I can offer you is my love...a comfortable home…a place to come back to at the end of the day for you to be at peace...
We'd have parties and I would cook and his family would come into town and I would cook, and I would keep the house super clean, I did all the housework. We weren't married at that point and I'm doing all the housework.
MW: Had it been spoken that you would be married?
We had talked about it and so that became the next level -- why won’t you ask me to marry you? So it kind of came to a head where I graduated from my master’s program and then we went to Puerto Rico on vacation, and my family had been in town for the graduation, we go on this tropical vacation, and then we get back and I was like two huge things just happened and he didn’t propose during either of those opportunities. He’s not going to propose. I’m going to leave. And so I'm looking for apartments -- he doesn’t know this but I’m looking for apartments, I’m trying to get more work so I can afford to get a place of my own because I had been living with him for the last year and a half. But I like making an exit plan because I’m like, I did what I could. I tried. I tried to be a really good girlfriend -- I thought we had a really good opportunity at a future but I can’t fight it anymore, like, he is completely indifferent to whether I’m here or not here. I know he loves me, he likes doing things with me, blah, blah, blah, but I honestly feel that if I disappeared tomorrow that he’s going to be completely fine. So I’m going to leave.
It's technically the second time in our relationship where in my mind I’ve decided it's over, but I haven’t told him. I actually got a cat early in our relationship in the first 8 months when I decided that since he wouldn’t tell me he loved me, I would break up with him. But I didn’t want to be alone in my apartment and I had just moved into the city so I didn’t know that many people. So I bought a cat. But then we didn’t break up because apparently he got himself together. So we had this cat all the way up until like two years ago, that was the break up cat that he didn’t know was the break up cat. In our house. She loved him though (laughs). That was the consolation prize.
So we get back from PR, no proposal, and I’m looking for a place. And then he proposes. Out of nowhere. Literally out of nowhere, like we go to dinner and a movie, it's a regular Friday evening, and I get all the way into bed and suddenly he’s got a ring. And I’m like, okay. I mean I’ve been asking him for the last two years for him to propose to me. I know I’m about to leave because I’ve convinced myself that he doesn’t want a future with me. All the reasons I thought were reasons to leave -- are those not valid now? So I said yes.
MW: Those are valid questions.
Yeah! I mean I went over the list, checked it twice, you know.
MW: Let me ask you this, honestly -- was there a piece of you that was super excited about starting over?
Yeah. At this point I’m like, I’ve learned some things, I’ve been back in the city for a few years. I can figure this out. I know I can meet people. I can meet someone who likes me. Because when I first moved to the city when I was 22, I went on a slew of dates those first three months. I was in these streets. So I was like, I will just return to these streets. I’m in my mid-twenties, I’ll be fine. I’m 25 at this point and severely behind schedule, but we’re going to plow forward with this. So he proposes, I say yes, we got married a year after he proposed. I wouldn’t say I had cold feet exactly but I was kind of concerned because he had never returned to the conversation about monogamy. We hadn't ever returned to.. we didn’t fall in love the second we saw each other. So, do you believe in the idea of a soulmate? And if so, wouldn’t the fact that you had all this struggle about whether you even wanted to be with me tell you that we’re not soulmates? So what are we doing here? Where are we going with this? Can we sustain this given that this is how things are?
To backtrack, his sister got married when we’d been dating six months. I assumed that because we’d been dating six months that I was going to be his date for this wedding. I find a letter from some chick he dated for awhile in college and then shortly before I met him -- and she clearly thinks she’s about to be his date for his sister’s wedding even though they’re no longer dating. So I’m like wait -- I thought we were in a relationship? How does somebody else think she’s going to your sister’s wedding and I haven't met your family yet and we’ve been dating seriously?
At no point was I really completely sure that he was even invested in this, that I was the person he felt most strongly about. So the videographer is interviewing me for my little wedding video and asks me, do you believe in the one? Or something like that -- which I now realize is an inappropriate question to ask someone on their wedding video because no one’s going to answer, no I don’t believe in the one, but that's what I was thinking in my head, and I’m flashing back to all the times I’ve discussed this with people, that I think you can make a relationship work with just about anybody. I don’t know that there’s one person for anyone. But you can’t say that on your wedding video. So whenever I watch my wedding video there’s this whole not true speech -- not that it's not true but it's not really reflective of my true feelings then or now in terms of what it means to have found the one. My husband is one of the ones, I’m sure.
MW: I once asked my boyfriend if we were a couple and he said sure, we’re a couple of people. But we were in this weird gray area where we were broken up but still sleeping together. We technically had no claim to each other but still got mad about other folks.
He’s had these really crazy straightforward situations. I’ve always had this rule that if I end a relationship, it's over. I have never done a repeat. Because I refuse to do the on and off thing, there’s never been a chance to take some space, a chance to think and then get back together. This fall will be 12 years since we met each other so for 12 years, it's just been, either we’re on or we’re not. No one's had a chance to go their corner and cool down from anything. Its pretty much been non stop.
So we get married. I did threaten to leave him once while we were engaged, over the same kind of, you’re a robot, why aren’t you a real person type of shenanigans. Like he’s definitely an animatron. So I went back to get some clothes and he’s like, laid out on the floor, drunk, and I was like…
MW: You’re a person…!
He cares about me. This is the most clear demonstration of the fact that you care whether we’re in a relationship or not that you’ve ever given me. And we’re engaged. And this is the first time I can say with real clarity that you want to be with me.
So we get married, it was great, it was wonderful. We’ve been married for 8 years now. And… once we got married we never fought about anything ever again. Because up to that point, all the things that I had been fighting about had been things related to proving that you care about me. But you married me. So now, that’s supposed to be the final answer. This is as good of an answer that I’m ever going to get. So there’s nothing to fight about anymore. He doesn’t really have anything that he’s concerned about or cares about so there’s nothing to bring up. And I just made the choice to not fight about the minor things. Because in theory I had won the big war. So we stopped fighting, we didn’t fight about anything. The only argument that we really had post marriage was about getting me a push present after I had the kids because he thought it was a silly concept.
MW: It isn’t.
I said but you realize I just passed a basketball through a grape. You were there. You were there. You saw what just went down. You should be giving me a standing ovation right now.
Right. So he didn’t get it, and he thinks jewelry's dumb, and he thinks women ask for jewelry because they’re programmed for it and all this other stuff. And he’s saying all these mildly offensive things. Anyway he eventually got me a push present a couple of years after our first child was born, and didn’t get me what I asked for.
So we don’t fight about anything until after our second child was maybe one, which was when I totally snapped. I was like, you treat me like the nanny, and not like your wife. All you talk about with me is the kids and the house and there’s no… you don’t care about what I think and what I feel. This is ridiculous. I’m going to go insane because, like, my only identity is the children’s mother, and the person who takes care of them, keeps them clean, feeds them, and you’re buying into that too. And I can’t do that.
MW: Were you working?
No. So at this point I’d been off work for four years. And I was involved in a lot of stuff, I mean I went on playdates and did stuff out of the house, I did stuff in the community. I wasn’t isolated… but I just felt like we had a long enough history together without children that I didn’t expect our relationship to become so all about the kids so quickly. Because we had been together for years. It wasn’t like our relationship was centered around who we are as parents to these children. We had been traveling, we had lived apart, we we lived together -- where did all that go? You knew that I was a person then, you should know I’m a person now. I know in retrospect that a lot of the things I said to him were things I should have said to myself like, why aren’t you a person, why do you not have anything going on worth discussing, like what are you doing that anyone would even want to ask you about? Everyone knows that you’re washing diapers and taking care of kids, but like what are you doing that anyone actually cares about?
So at this point, as I’m realizing this a little bit -- not as much as I do now, but a little bit-- I’m understanding that okay, I cannot rely on him to see me right now, because I’ve been crying about it and yelling about it and controlling and writing letters and emails and he’s not getting it. He’s not understanding that I need him to treat me like a woman,or at least like his wife, but not always like the mother of his children. I’m like pouring out my heart on a regular basis saying, you don’t want to sleep with me, you act like…. you treat me like I’m this fragile thing, you don’t have any real intimacy towards me, the passion, the intimacy in our relationship is shot because everything is always about the kids and I am distraught. Do I look that much worse after having children? And his answers are always like -- again with the nonchalance, like, nothing’s changed, of course I love you, of course you’re beautiful, I’m sorry you don’t feel like I’m passionate enough, I’ll work on it - you know, the same complete lack of concern.
So. At this point, one of my college boyfriends who, we had remained friends after we broke up, he had shown up in my Facebook life after my first child was born. He had been, from the moment I met him-- I met him at 19 -- he had always said he was a non-monogamous person. He didn’t have the language for what it was that he was doing. He was just sort of known on campus as a cheater or this guy who has a lot of women, but he didn’t have the language to explain it. He tried the best he could to say, look, I’m realistic, I’m not going to hold you to any kind of crazy standard either as long as we’re honest with each other. So we dated for awhile and then when I moved on we remained friends. He came to see me in the two weeks before I decided to really date my husband. This was the person I always thought I’d end up marrying. Once I was done with highschool sweetheart, this was the person I thought I’d marry one our lives lined up correctly., He came to visit, I focused on my husband for awhile, and he pulled back out of my life for awhile out of respect for my marriage.
He’s reappeared -- we’re two kids in and he’s reappeared -- and he’s still -- he’s married, he has three other partners, he’s still talking about building family systems on this model -- the same stuff he’d been saying ten years before that sounded insane now kind of made sense. I’ve got these kids and I’m always stressed out and exhausted. I would love to have another mother. That would be amazing (laughs). I’d love to have another mom in the house. And to be able to live in a space where there are other people to help you manage the parts of life that are not fun. That doesn't seem too crazy. And I guess if you really think about it, if you love someone, you can make almost anything else work, so now all the things he’s been saying all these years make me say maybe I should think a little harder about what it is I really need and want.
Is my problem with my husband not that he’s so nonchalant, but that I've never had to worry about getting everything from one person before him? Before, if I was with a person that was not emotionally available then the other person I was with was…. I always had balance back and forth. And I have no balance. I have him. And I’m a stay at home mother and my entire world is female. So there's not even any other male sources around me to provide any sort of balance. My stepfather lives out of state, my two younger brothers are very young. There are literally no guys in my life outside of my son and my husband. So I was like, maybe it's a balance thing. Maybe being around all these women and being so focused on motherhood has thrown me out of whack. I told my husband-- I think I need more male friends. And he’s like, I don’t really know what that means but okay.
And so we talk about it. I said, literally I think I just need some yin and yang, to balance out my life a little bit, balance out my life as a mother because that's all anything is ever about and I feel like it's sapping the joy out of my life and it's sapping the joy out of me because it's so unbalanced. So he's like, okay, making new friends is fine, whatever. Go make friends. I said, you change jobs and you meet a whole new group of people. I change playgrounds and it's the same moms. I said, I'm never exposed to anyone. He said, go ahead, make friends. So I told him I wanted to work on rebuilding my relationship with my friend -- the one who had reentered my life. And he’s like, oh-kay, whatever. Do whatever you want.
So we’re talking and we’re going back and forth and my friend introduces me to various resources online and I’m trying to decide, is my issue monogamy? Is my issue --you know, am I depressed? I’m trying to figure what direction to go in. And so in seeking some guidance and support on how to deal with this relationship with my friend, I wound up in a lot of polyamorous websites and online groups and, I’m reading books and audiobooks and I’m trying to figure out the right steps for this. In the meantime in my outside life, I’m meeting people who are polyamorous or becoming polyamorous , or in open relationships-- I’m meeting them in real life, so there’s a name for what I was doing before, whether I knew it or not. There is an actual community of people who don’t think this is completely crazy -- because no one in my life knew I was dating multiple people. That wasn’t something I made public knowledge. As far as anyone ever knew I was dating one official person. So this thing that I’d been hiding all these years and never discussed with anyone-- it's a real thing. Alright. Well let's figure that out.
So I say to my husband, I don’t think I can live out my entire marriage being monogamous. And he says, well I think a lot of people say that and that's why the rate of people having affairs is so high. He said, okay, what are you asking for in making that statement? What do you want? In looking at the way I handled those conversations in the beginning, I know I bungled and mixed a lot of things together. I mixed the issue of me feeling like I wasn’t having my needs met by him with the idea of being a person who naturally appreciates being in multiple relationships. And what it turned into was, I want to be in multiple relationships so I can have my needs met that you’re not fulfilling met by somebody else. Which isn’t the real message, but that's what he heard and that's what he continues to hold on to.
So he agrees to non-monogamy, and we said, we’ll read about it and learn about it and try it, and then I make the first of many errors in assuming that we’ll go ahead and try it means I can begin to consider my first steps to move into this. I now know that's not what he really meant. We had an argument one evening and I said something snide about, you know, you should be lucky I’m out on a date with you and not someone else -- something along those lines. And he said, why haven’t you gone on a date with someone else? And I was like, I was concerned about you because you hadn’t really talked about it and I didn’t want to jump out there if you weren't ready. He was like, don’t let me hold you back, do what you want to do! So, I meet someone online, then we meet up in person and I’m thinking, you said go ahead, don’t let your reservations hold me back from meeting people and moving forward. So then I’ve met this person twice in person for lunch -- literally for lunches -- only a few hours I’ve spent with this person, but we’ve spent a lot of time texting and talking online. So then my husband goes go fix my computer one morning and he opens my computer and messages pop up.
It just so happened that my male gym partners each had also sent me some other messages, and one random person who I didn’t know, so when he goes into my Facebook messages the first five to seven conversations are all guys somehow. I to this day don’t know how it's statistically possible for that to happen, since it's never happened again -- but that one morning, it's just guys as far as he can tell. And I’m like, but you know those two -- how do they count? And these were mutual friends of ours and we were discussing completely neutral things. He didn’t care. He reads through my messages with the guy who I’ve had lunch with and loses his entire mind, and is like, what is going on? We need to go to counseling! And I'm like, what you mean we need to go to counseling? We agreed to this. What did you think that meant? So now I’m the bad guy because I misunderstood the agreement.
MW: You misunderstood that when he said go ahead he meant bitch, try me.
Right. Basically. I didn’t read the subtext at that point (laughs). So I misunderstood the rules. So we’re supposed to be trying to figure out how we’re handling things and it wasn’t even like that much time passed. While we’re trying to figure it out I’m like, do you want me to end it? And he’s like, no, I know you and if I tell you to end it, it will devastate you because if you feel like you’re connected to someone, you have to stay connected. And if feel like if I tell you to end it, it's gon' drive you to do crazier stuff.
So in this interim, I meet the guy I had lunch with for a full weekend for the first time. In the middle of that weekend my husband is all in his feelings. That weekend was my staycation weekend. I take a staycation weekend twice a year -- I go to a hotel in Chicago and I just veg out without the kids. So this person came in town and halfway through my staycation weekend my husband starts wigging out. So my friend who visited was like, you need to go to your husband. Do whatever you need to do, you need to take care of him, he comes first. So I go and have brunch with my husband and he's beating around the bush and doesn't want to really ask… so when I get home after all of this, I have a really hard time with missing this new person in my life when he went home. So my husband knew something was up, not really sure what…
MW: This is like Bridges Over Madison County…
Never seen it. I know I’m terrible with movies.
MW: You have to see it.
So I was in struggle mode. He was like, I thought you would tell me you had seen him this weekend. And that you missed him and that's why you’re having a hard time and that I could actually help you with that but instead you’re just refusing to say anything so I can’t help you.
MW: Did he know you’d been with the dude who came to town?
I hadn’t said it but he deduced it. So shortly after this, he asked me some questions and I was not honest in my answers because I didn’t feel like he could handle it and I couldn’t handle what would happen if I told the truth. I couldn’t handle him flying off the handle in the way he was going to. I couldn’t handle the emotional response. I wouldn’t say I actively made up information but I didn’t give all the information I could.
He says he was making up this apology for putting me through all these intrusive questions and he needed to bluetooth the image he created -- to apologize-- into my phone. So he took my phone to bluetooth me this image and then goes through my log again with the new guy. I wake up to this long email in the middle of the night , and he's in bed next to me at this point and I’m reading it and my heart is pounding and I’m like Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God
MW: OH SHIT.
This is like -- what just -- I just went to bed and like, oh my God my world just imploded. So I wake him up and I’m like, we need to talk, we need to talk right now. And I would have to say at this point we’d been together 10 or 11 years, I’d never seen him cry about anything ever at this point. But this made him cry.
MW: So he woke up crying?
Yeah, more or less. He said, first I was downstairs crying with a blanket over my head so no one would hear me, and then I wrote you an email and I came back to bed. I mean he’s completely devastated at this point. I mean, some of the things that he was upset about, were things I felt like, I legitimately had no idea that would ever upset you. That was part of the conversations that we had following this.
Remember we hadn’t really done any fighting up to this point. Life is going along fine and no one is arguing about anything. So now all these things are just coming up and now we’re fighting about every aspect of everything, because it's like, why would you send pictures of yourself to him, why would you send provocative pictures? You sent him a picture wearing something I bought for you, why would you do that? And I was like, because -- first of all, I sent the pictures because I wanted to. But why don’t I do stuff like that for you? You’ve never indicated that you would ever appreciate anything like that. You’ve never indicated that you ever wanted to see me in any kind of lingerie or cuties whatever, you've never paid any special attention to me if I’m dressed in that kind of way, you’ve never sent me a text like, hey sexy I can’t wait to see you later -- you’ve never once indicated that like, you have any concern about me presenting myself to you as a sexual being. So why would I have gone through the trouble of sending you stuff just for you to not respond or to be completely nonchalant or not care? This person, when I send stuff, he appreciates it and he says appreciative things. But why are you mad? I mean you can be mad that I sent it but don’t be mad I didn’t send it to you because you don't like me like that.
So we’re going through this whole thing where I’m like, you don’t think of me as a sexual person. I mean yes we have sex but you're not so hot for me that you wanna see what I'm wearing when you’re not there. And he’s like, well, why would you say that, of course I think you’re pretty. In his mind it's all of course of course of course, but he doesn’t realize it but he doesn’t make me feel like that’s how he feels about me. And so I don’t want there to be an element of looking elsewhere for something that wasn't present in my relationship but there's a little bit of that in there.
So that was in November. We went away on vacation in December and talked some more. This was a couple of weeks after the showdown where I didn’t sleep for two weeks because I was afraid my husband was going to email me int he middle of the night. For the record, I still... every morning I wake in the morning hoping that no one emailed me in the middle of the night. When I see that gmail indicator my heart starts racing. I have email PTSD. But if I do get an email from him -- any time of the day -- my heart starts racing. And I had to explain to him - he'd done this middle of the night thing a couple of nights in a row and I told him, I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I'm afraid when I close my eyes you're going to have a massive freakout and I’m going to wake up to this freakout and I can’t, like I'm literally going to go crazy.
So we go on vacation and we make up a list of agreements that are supposed to be revisited every three months. I don’t do very well at keeping to the agreements. And there have been various elements of the agreements that we’ve gone back and forth over and tried to… like we had to sit down and talk about what really mattered to each person. For him what matters is physical stuff. What matters to me is emotional stuff. I said, if we’re going to do this, to completely honest,you can sleep with whoever you want. Somebody who you feel like you're developing feelings for, then I want to know, that's when I need to know more about the person. And he kind of felt the opposite. He felt like, well you love everybody so that’s not the biggest issue. The issue is whether or not you're going to take it to the next level.
So we revisit it in three months. I asked him if he had any revisions, he said no. I did not revisit it at the second three month mark which was two months ago. We’ve had a few conversations since then about what he thinks is going on, what he thinks he wants me to do, how he thinks I should handle this. His primary thing right now is that he just wants to be in the loop. I don’t talk about my relationship with him hardly ever. I don’t make a lot of casual mentions. For the most part things are relatively calm. He knows I am engaging in this relationship with somebody else. He’s not in love with it because of the way that it started. And it sucks that’s what’s going to keep him from being willing to form a connection with this other person, because of the way things started. I try to think maybe in two or three years when we’re so far in the future that the beginning will seem like the past, that maybe he’ll want to meet this person, but I don’t know.
I asked him yesterday, will I ever stop being the villain in this story? And he was like, you’re not the villain anymore, and you were never the only villain. So you don’t have to be the villain. But you’ve moved on. I said, I wouldn’t say that. He said, I mean, you’ve crossed a bridge that you're not coming back over. You’ve made the leap and there’s not going to be a turnaround.
He’s committed to, I’m not going to leave you, I’m not going to leave my family. He just feels he needs to even things out my meeting new people, making new friends and if he becomes comfortable with it, dating as well. He is on a few dating sites. He gets upset with me about the idea of me putting our business in the street. To which my response is always, but who has a Tinder profile in this house? That would be you, my friend.
"I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I beat this man down. So while I’m trying to build my kingdom I’m letting my man fall by the wayside and run off with somebody else." [an interview]Read Now