"I launched myself at him, and pinned him against the wall, and started cursing him. I wasn’t using any vowel sounds, it was all consonants." [An Interview]Read Now
MW: So… we’re going to talk about your experience partnering with a narcissist, because they are mind-killers who crumple reality and the only thing to restore the sanity of their victims is a witness. So I’m going to witness for you. Tell me the story even if you don’t remember it. Whenever you’re ready.
I was working as an art model. I had this day when I had a different type of modeling job that was outside of what I normally do, like a clothing commercial. And I went and I looked around and I was like, oh no, I am not what they are looking for at all! Everybody here is white and a certain body type that is not my body type, yeah no, okay, so I left. And I was like, what the hell else am I going to do with my day? I don’t have anything else planned and that was totally disappointing, and it was a beautiful day in Manhattan, and I was walking past Union Square because that’s where my train stop is, and I was just like, I don’t want to go home, I’m just going to sit in the park and think and see what happens.
So I went into the park and it was really crowded and all the benches were full. So all these people get up from this one bench and I sit down, and at the same time that I was sitting down -- I’m going to call him The Motherfucker -- (laughs)
-- The Motherfucker is coming from the other direction at the same time that I’m walking up, and I don’t see him and he doesn’t see me because of this whole group of people that was between us, and when they get up and walk away it's just the two of us on the bench. So this young man walks up to us trying to sell us something. And it's clear that this young man assumed that we were a couple -- and neither of us is interested in what the kid is selling and the kid goes away. And then The Motherfucker turned to me and -- he said something -- and I just thought he was talking to himself (laughs) and I didn’t pay any attention. Because you know, people talk to themselves. And then I realized he was talking to me and I was like, what did you say?? (laughs) And he said, yeah, I think he thought we were together. And I remember thinking, duhhh, that was obvious. Did you really need to say that? (laughs)
I really don’t know how we got into a conversation after that but somehow we ended up talking and I was like, what do you do? And he told he he was a poet, and I was like, oh! My sister’s a poet! She might have heard of you! And then I found out that my sister had been in his class before at some workshop or something. So she knew him. Him knowing my sister -- I was like, oh okay...
MW: You’re not a stranger...
Exactly! At some point in the conversation he asked me if I liked eggplant, and at the time I really loved eggplant. And so...
MW: Oh, but that's also the penis emoticon.
MW: Eggplant is the penis emoticon.
Oh shit! (laughs)
MW: He wanted to know if you like that diiick…(laughs) fuck outta here...
(laughs) He was like, I know a place right around the corner that has the best eggplant. So, he took my wrist. Not my hand, but my wrist, and led me to the place. And for some reason on the walk, I felt instant comfort. I remember he used the words, older brother. I don’t remember exactly what the sentence was but I remember him giving me the impression that he might become a...wait... DID he say that? Because at this point I’m not clear. Because I remember thinking to myself that he was gay. And so, somehow this combination of whatever I thought -- oh, this is going to be my new gay older brother! We’re gonna get eggplant! (laughs) We sat down and we were talking and talking -- and I was talking a lot. I was talking more than he was talking. Probably because I thought he was my new gay big brother (laughs).
MW: Right (laughs)
At one point he asked, like, do I date men? What’s my story? Do I date women, what’s the deal? And I was like, oh, you know -- I don’t remember actually -- I don’t remember what I said-- but it was something along the lines of -- I might be interested in either. I was like, yeah but, that’s my story. So you… you’re...you’re gay right?
MW: (Gasps) You said that??
I said that (laughs). He paused for a second but he didn’t show anything in his face, it's just, his response was slow to come out. But his face was like... like, totally at peace somehow. And the next thing he said was, well I’m attracted to YOU. And I was like, ohhh.
MW: That’s a good answer.
That had not even occurred to me that that was a possibility, that that’s what was happening. I didn’t read that type of energy AT ALL, at first.
MW: How much older than you was he?
He was 18 or 19 years older than me.
MW: So he’s that Old motherfucker. Got it.
Yeah, that’s that old motherfucker.
MW: And when you started dating him, you were how old?
I think I was 32. And I remember that somewhere that day he asked my age and then when he found out my age his energy became more clear, like clearly like, this man is attracted to me, oh I feel it now. But he wasn’t vibrating that energy until he found out my age.
MW: Maybe he didn't want to be coming on to somebody too young…
Well you would think that… but the woman who came after me with whom I’ve begun a dialogue about our experience, she’s telling me that he now is seeing this twenty-something year old.
MW: Oh. So how did the relationship progress? How did he become yo maaaaan?
(Laughs) That’s a good question. It’s a blur. Honestly. I don’t… I remember that after we slept together the first time, which was pretty soon after our first date...because I wasn’t thinking of this as any possible serious anything! This was an old man -- this was an experiment! So after we slept with each other, that next morning he told me loved me! And I was like, shocked! I don't think I said anything. And he put me in a cab to get home. And I went home and I felt really great, I felt amazing, like there was something about it that was so cool. The sex was very mental. It was more mental than I have ever experienced before, and it was interesting, and it was like woooow, I didn’t even know. So the next day I was glowing. Everywhere I went, people were smiling at me, people were complimenting me. I just was buzzing with lucky happy sunshine feeling. And I remember that sometime after that I was really fucking annoyed because The Motherfucker was texting me so much that it became disruptive to the rest of my life. I’m the type person who keeps my phone nearby so I know if someone needs to get in touch with me, but...
MW: What kind of messages?
Honestly like, they were sweet in themselves -- I don’t remember what they were, I just remember they were sweet but they were so often and so much I was like, I can’t focus on what I’m doing because my phone keeps buzzing. I was like, what the fuck? I was mad about it and I told him to calm down and that’s not okay. And I don’t remember exactly what it was that he said, but it had something to do with a sense of togetherness that he... like... felt with me… and something... something. And it sounded very sweet and yet it was not cool that he was sending me all them text messages.
The thing is, a lot of times I DO remember what people say. If we were rehashing a conversation I’d had with other people I’d probably be able to tell you what they said. But… he..
MW: Um hmmm…
A term I’ve learned is “word salad,” where people… if they have a high functioning verbal ability, they can sound like they’re being profound... and it's just a little twisted somehow...and there’s something off about it but you can’t put your finger on it because you’ve lost half of what they’re saying. But maybe you just missed something...? But it’s like… I can’t… part of the reason why it's a blur is because there were so many things like that… where for me it was like… it felt like a mental challenge. It was weird and I was like, how can I make him understand me? How I can make us understand each other? This is really challenging, but interesting! (laughs)
MW: Let me see if I follow what you’re saying -- you’re saying initially you met this person, and the initial meeting was based on someone else's misunderstanding… (laughs)
MW: ...and then he misunderstood how old you were, you misunderstood his intention and his sexual orientation, and all these misunderstandings were interesting to you…(laughs)
MW: (laughs) and you’re not sure when you and he became an official couple, but you know that it quickly started from being a little confusing and to being way more confusing… and what I’m saying to you is --
MW: No, absolutely not, I’m not saying you’re crazy in any way. I’m trying to figure out what is the mental state…
But I can't remember any of it...
MW: Exactly! Let me say to you this -- trauma changes the brain. So if I’d asked you these things maybe a week after they happened you might be able to tell me exactly. But this stuff was years ago. And in dealing with narcissists, after you’ve tried to bend your mind so many times to understand what they’re saying -- because they really seem to believe what they’re saying and it AFFECTS them somehow -- and because it affects them it affects YOU somehow, and you really try to understand. But it's confusing. And so you can’t remember what was said you only remember how you’re supposed to feel about it.
And here’s the also-anotherthing part of it -- The Motherfucker is a poet. Has been a celebrated user of language. And that’s what -- his use of language is his bread and butter. He teaches it on a university level. It's like if we’re having some sort of discrepancy in our understanding that requires vocal communication, it's like, fuck!
MW: I know this is kind of nebulous for you, but -- I have two questions -- one, when did it go from, this is just a guy I’m kind of dating who sweats me too much, to, I’m in love with this man? And two…
I’m still trying to dig into myself to think of what is the answer to the first damn question. How did that happen? But you know, after the first time you sleep together and the person just flat out says I love you, then that kind of like automatically sort of puts you in a space of considering… or put me in the space... I guess... of considering them as a possible partner.
MW: That’s called the love bombing phase.
(laughs) Yes I’ve heard of it.
MW: You’re not alone. And it happens to empathetic people who don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Because you don’t want to reject him, you put his comfort over your comfort…
I guess. I must have felt that. Possibly. (laughs) I don’t remember.
MW: And here’s my second question. On his end, when did it go from, I love you, you can do no wrong, you're my everything, to, what’s wrong with you?
Okay. Oh gosh I remember! The second question. The first time I went to his apartment I was with him, we went together. But the second time I was in his apartment -- which, I can’t remember how much time we’d been seeing each other before I went to his apartment a second time -- I think it must have been soon, probably the next week -- and that’s another thing -- we had been -- there was something about how much he was open about me coming to his place when we barely knew each other. That’s kind of weird. Especially in New York City, motherfuckers are crazy. I could have been crazy but I guess he realized that he was probably the crazier one. But anyway, I didn’t know which buzzer was the right buzzer, but he lived on the first floor. His window was open because it was summer, so I called through his window. Not too loud but loud enough to project if he was towards the back, so when he came to the door the first thing, before a hug, before hello, before anything, he was upset that I was calling his name out in the neighborhood. He was upset that I was yelling his name outside. And I was like… he was so upset that he was yelling about it. He was UPSET.
MW: He yelled at you?
Yeah, he yelled. I mean...yeah. He yelled. And he was like… and the thing is, that thing that he was complaining about, it wasn’t new to me because I remember at some point when I was a kid, somebody being really clear about not wanting me to say their name out loud in the neighborhood. And I don’t remember who that was but I remember that, like it wasn't a completely foreign idea. And so, I just remember being`so hurt. Because you know, everything up until then was just these beautiful bird sounds and stars twinkling type interactions, and then, all of a sudden, the first thing he did was yell at me instead of righting his face to say hello. So, that. That was it right there.
MW: Do you think if that hadn’t already happened to you as a child, if it didn’t trigger your own acceptance of somebody else's bullshit at an age where you couldn't be like, I can call your name if I want to fucking call your name 'cause that’s your name, what the fuck...
MW: ...your paranoia is not my burden, get your life together man, I don’t know. (laughs) That sounds like you got some shit going on. And you of all people are so quick to do that, to be like, no that’s YOUR shit man, that’s your shit.
MW: So I’m asking you, do you think if that thing as a kid had never happened -- that The Motherfucker’s behavior would have rung an alarm?
If that had not ever happened, if that was totally unfamiliar, I would have thought right then and there, this motherfucker’s crazy, and I probably wouldn't have even gone in.
I would have just turned around. You know, I noticed, the day we met and he took my wrist and not my hand and I thought that was weird. I brought it up to him later, weeks later, and he explained that he felt like touching my hand might seem too familiar, so he took my wrist.
MW: How long were you with him?
Almost five years, like four plus years. Maybe five years.
MW: Was there ever a point in your relationship where you were like, this is exactly what I want, this is the relationship for me, I’m happy in this relationship?
No. There was never a point where I was like, this is exactly the relationship I want, no. It was never that. But, there was something that happened very early on, in whatever it was, that made me feel like… if I… if we… like we could work on it being that. Like it could become that.
MW: What happened? What was the carrot?
That's a good question. I know that because our conversations… because I remember working on it. I remember talking about working on it with him. But I don't remember when that shift happened. I don’t know.
MW: That’s okay. It's all just one big muddy mud mud, isn’t it?
Yeah. Yeah (laughs) Like I know there are specifics in there, but...
MW: You can’t get them out. That’s okay. We will speak on the mud. Even if you don’t know what’s in there, we just gon’ point it out and be like, it's that pile right there, it's all in there, if you need it you go get it. (laughs)
It's in there.
MW: Can you specifically speak on when you started to feel like he was fucking with your reality? Or like...I don’t know… just that moment where like you just decided, I can’t keep working on this?
I remember at one point he was trying to get me to understand something the way he saw it. I don't remember what it was but I remember he was trying to get me to see it this particular way and I remember telling him well, but this is how I SEE IT and these two things can only exist in different universes, they can't BOTH be true, only ONE of these things can be true. What I’m saying or what you’re saying. So he told me again, whatever he was saying, and I remember looking at him and being like, Motherfucker! You know that what you’re doing is, you’re asking me to scrap the way that I SEE IT and adopt the way YOU see it?? I asked him this, clearly. And he said some shit about togetherness.
And um, I just, lawd, I don't know what all he said, but I know I didn't -- I knew I was right, and I knew there was a problem here. But I also felt at the same time, based on the shit he said at the time, those particular words and phrases, I remember feeling like, there was just some sort of breakdown in his understanding of what I was saying…
MW: Oh wow…
Yesss! And so. Here’s part of the way this fucking relationship sapped my energy. Because you know that as a Virgo, I can THINK and THINK and THINK and so… I just got to working on this project, of how to phrase things in such a way, that The Motherfucker could understand me crystal clearly. (laughs)
GirI! I am JUST starting to recover my energy.
MW: Oh my God... (laughs)
And that’s just ONE part of it. I’m sorry, I don’t remember the question.
MW: No, you answered it perfectly! The question was, when did you start to realize that he was trying to shift your reality?
That’s the thing. What I’m telling you is that even though I started to realize it right then, he talked me out of it.
MW: Again and again. That’s what they do.
Yeah, so I can’t say that’s when -- you know what I’m saying? That’s not the turning point that happened and made me leave. Here's the turning point that happened -- I was still asking questions, I was committed. I had become committed to working on this relationship like a project. I was gonna...we were gonna -- like, it was like a mental challenge.
`MW: It's because you don’t want to lose. You don't want to say you put in all that time for nothing. You don’t want to say your heart was wrong.
For sure. For sure. But I was committed to the relationship and I made that clear to The Motherfucker. And so, whenever he would do and say things that didn’t sit well with me, I would talk to him about it. Because my grandmother was a psychologist and she dealt with children who had problems and I have always, believed -- I was brought up to believe -- that everyone has the capacity to grow and change. And so, being in this relationship, I was struggling and trying so hard to help him to grow and change in such a way that he could understand that certain things were not ok. And I remember talking to him about his relationships with other people, and ways I thought he could treat other people better. Like, we talked, I talked with him about these things, and this is another thing I’ve read about that people who have dealt with narcissists have experienced -- where the person will seem like they’re working on the issue and improve for awhile and BE BETTER, and then revert right back into the same shit. Like as soon as it seems like, oh okay, they are growing and changing, its happening, I can see it, I feel it, I’m starting to feel better about this! And then boom, like, it's like none of that shit ever happened. All those conversations, all that work, just gone. And that's really disorienting.
MW: That’s the perfect word for it. Because it does something to your idea of life. Like, wait a minute, it's not supposed to work like this.
Right! Exactly yeah. So there's a connection between my relentlessness about this, like, about reality (laughs), about my reality and me needing him to understand it. And what changed is, as that continued and I got -- how can I say this? -- I uh, I just got more and more distinct in my use of speech. I got more and more patient and kind and compassionate in my manner. And I did all of these things that made it kind of undeniable that I was clearly, OK actually. And what happened as a result is that The Motherfucker would… I would realize I was ok and I would go to walk away from a conversation. Just any conversation that had gone awry and I realized had gone awry and I was just going to walk away, I wasn’t going to get caught up anymore. I was finally realizing like, oh, I don’t have to sap my energy in this way, I’m just not going to engage in this conversation. That is when The motherfucker started doing things like standing in front of me, standing in my path so that I couldn’t get by. To go. And not engage. To disengage from the conversation. He started making it physically impossible for me to disengage from the conversation, and THAT is when I was like, oh no, that is not okay, our days together are numbered.
But at that point. Because at that point. Girl. GIRL. I’m an artist. Motherfuckers be broke. And I just… I have hustled and made do with very little in terms of financial resources, and I understand that that's kind of how it goes much of the time for people in certain parts of their careers, and at one point when me and The Motherfucker were seeing each other, he was like, well why don’t you let me take care of you? I see that you have really amazing in terms of the way you think and what you can make, why don’t you let me take care of you financially so you can have some time and space to develop as an artist.
MW: And who doesn't want that?
And I had never been offered such a thing before, and I was resistant at first like, oh my god, that's a big step, and I think that’s when our relationship went into partnership, was after that offer. I considered it, I didn’t just jump in… but then I did jump in because I considered it a short time and then I was like, well hell, miracles do happen! Maybe this is one of them! Let me try to see! (laughs)
MW: Umm hmmm… sheeeeit.
So when I realized that our days were numbered when he started to become physical -- and that physical stuff did begin to escalate --
MW: And at this time was he supporting you financially?
Yes! That’s why it wasn’t, I’m leaving tomorrow, or I’m leaving right now -- it was, I have to figure out how to get out of here. And at some point later -- not at that moment that he was blocking my path -- but later when I was speaking with him about how utterly inappropriate and unacceptable that is, to do that to me -- he somehow acted like I was overreacting and we were only playing previously…? And I was really serious about it. And it was, he didn’t mean it that seriously. Meanwhile the fact is that I couldn't get past him regardless of HOW he meant it. But I don’t remember how he did it or how he said it, but it was confusing. Like I got CONFUSED.
MW: Yup. Yup. That’s wonderful that you can say that. I got confused.
And then I was like, well COULD I? COULD I have gotten past him? WAS he playing? WERE we playing? What happened earlier ACTUALLY? It was like, I could see where he was not treating… there were certain things I could identify were not ok, but then there were other things… it was like ways of twisting the truth around on itself, like in the process when he was speaking to me and doing that with me, I just… I couldn’t… it just got me every time. It was like my mind was getting twisted around. And I don’t really know how to explain it.
MW: Yup. That's exactly it. You’re doing so great. I know it hurts. I know it hurts your mind. (laughs) But you’re doing so great.
MW: So… is there any aspect of the relationship that you want to talk about that I haven’t asked you about?
I mean… there is just… SO MUCH I COULD SAY I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN!! (laughs) There’s just so much. I can’t… that question… I don’t even…
MW: Okay, I got you. Was there a main issue you two had arguments about -- like money or fidelity or jealousy, family -- did he have triggers or certain things where you felt like -- okay, I know no tot talk about this with him, or I know not to… these are the things that I know or I’ve learned…
I’m sure there were at different points, but they shifted so often that I would have had to keep a catalogue of them to recount them to you. Like, they were little things. It wasn't the type of things that were memorable, it was little shit. But it was not consistent, and so, it's hard to remember. It's a whirlwind in my mind. I remember that we always had things about food. It was always something about food. He wanted me to cook and he hardly ever cooked. And when he cooked, he acted like that one time meant he was contributing in the cooking department when really, he wasn’t. And I was doing basically all the cooking and I remember that there was always something wrong with the meal. Like, there was always something to complain about. I remember having a lot of strife about food and it's like, but you want me to do all the cooking, like, what the fuck? And that's just one thing that's bubbling up to the surface right now but I'm sure there were other things. I'm sure.
I’m in this band of his. And when we were together I had a lot of issues about the way he treated other people in the band. And I told him. I was very clear with him about it. I told him after a rehearsal, after a show, after various other things about the unacceptable ways he was treating people. And he got upset with me because I was telling him about it in front of them. And he felt that it was not being loyal to him. He invoked this vision of a relationship in which the couple is a solid front.
MW: A united front…
That you don’t disagree in front of people. And I understood that. I thought that I understood that, that made a certain kind of sense. But I could never do it though. Because I could not accept the way he was treating… just certain things he would say to people. It was so not ok that I couldn’t hold my tongue and I would tell him, look this is not okay. Because I'm also a person who has done a lot of performances in ensembles with people and I understand what people need in terms of like if you’re doing all this work and you’re putting your heart and soul into something, then the person in charge is mistreating you, that's really not ok. Professionally that's not okay. So as a member of the band, as a person who is a member of a group of people who are collaborating -- not as The Motherfuckers girlfriend, but as a professional in this band -- I had an issue with what was happening, and that was a source of strife between us because he would he wouldn’t talk about it in front of them but later he would be so upset. He felt I was disrespecting him in front of the band.
Yeah. There’s lots of things. They just aren’t coming out at the same time.
MW: That’s alright. Like they say in church, just take your time. (laughs) Do you have advice for other women who are currently in the situation of dealing with a narcissist?
Keep a diary. Write down the things that bother you, or that don’t seem quite right and write down everything about it so you can see there IS a pattern. It's so disorienting that it's hard to keep track of what HAS happened and what IS happening, and just what’s going on. It's so disorienting that unless you write it down or have a solid couple of people that you’re telling all about it, it's really hard to understand how crazy it is and leave.
MW: How do you get from the place of being on this merry go round where you talk about the behavior with the person and the person seems receptive to understanding what you’re saying and they seem to make an improvement -- and then they go back to square one -- to the place in yourself where you firmly say, they're not going to change. I’m wasting my time. And I need to cut my losses.
Well for me, it was that he became more and more violent to the point that I realized that I was not safe. That I was physically unsafe. I was like, I have to go because I am not safe.
MW: And how is it that you didn’t know you weren’t safe when he yelled at you... but you knew you weren't safe when he blocked your path…?
No! I didn’t know I wasn’t safe when he blocked my path, I knew I wasn’t safe when he did something to my neck! And my neck was sore for like the next… I don’t know , until it recovered.
MW: And that was the last time you…?
Yeah. Yes. Standing in my path was clearly not okay but it wasn't… for whatever reason, it was still talk-me- out- of- it- able.
MW: And hurting your neck was not talk-you-out-of-it-able.
Yeah. The last evening we were together I had just read this forum post about emotional labor that someone had shared with me. It was so great. I was like, oh, FUCK yes, THIS is why I’m so fucking tired all the time. I’m so exhausted. I don’t have nearly as much energy as I used to have. What the fuck?! And when I read that thing about emotional labor I was like, yes, that! I’m doing so much of that! SOOO much of that! I deserve awards! (laughs) And I don’t remember exactly how this happened but somehow -- I don’t know if I talked to him about it -- I don’t remember -- but I remember that somehow the woman who sent me the article who also was in the band at the time. She’s not in the band anymore -- and she’s a little twisted herself -- but she also was texting The Motherfucker -- and she sent him a text message that was like, yeah, your girl read about emotional labor and she might not deal with your shit anymore! Or something to that effect.
When The Motherfucker got home he was PISSED. He was livid. He was so angry because he had this idea that I was putting his business out in the street and discussing our relationship with a member of the band that he did not necessarily trust and didn’t want her to know what was going on his personal life. And in actuality I wasn't friends with this woman. I hadn’t really had any discussions with her about my relationship. So everything he was saying was unfounded in actuality. But the issue that I took with him in response was not to defend myself and say, no I didn't tell her anything… I said, you do not have the power to dictate my level of closeness with the people I have relationships with or what I share or don't share with them. And I was sitting on a stool at the time and I so I was positioned a bit beneath him, and I remember him walking up to me and talking down at me and just yelling and yelling and yelling and yelling and yelling and it went on and on and when I tried to get up and walk away he wouldn't let me get up and walk away, and I mean this yelling must have gone on at least an hour...
MW: Oh my god...
Of screaming in my face. I don’t remember what he was saying, I couldn’t hear what he was saying because of just the fact of how it was being delivered. It was so much. So that happened, and I picked up my phone because it was close to me and I had it in my hand and I was asking him to stop yelling, like if it was something he needed to communicate with me, I needed him to not yell. And I remember that… at some point he said something about how he was expressing himself and it happened to be loud but he wasn't yelling. But he was yelling when he said it. He was just yelling and yelling it was something about the force he used when he didn't let me pass, and I had my phone in my hand because i just wanted to have it in case I needed to call 911, and then he grabbed my phone out of my hand and walked out of the room and went downstairs, and came back in the room without the phone. So then I'm even more upset like, where is my phone, give me my phone back, what have you done with my phone, GIVE ME MY PHONE! So he yelled some more.
And then.. . I don’t remember what he was saying… but I do remember the room we were in was in the top of this house we were renting. That was supposed to be my space which I never go to use because I was too busy catering to him. But that evening I was finally like, okay, I’ve got some time and space and I’m going to take it and do something creative.Yes! I’m going to spread out! That was the evening this happened, and I remember he pushed me, when he was done stopping me from leaving the room then he pushed me out of the room. Well, just out of the room are stairs going down so I had to be really careful and steady that I was not getting pushed down the stairs in such a way that I would injure myself. Because he was pushing me all along the way. And then it also seems to me that same evening I was in bed -- I had gone to bed before him -- and him storming in the room, turning on the light. I’m almost asleep, in that in between place, and he turned on the light and pulled the covers off of me and he up was upset again! All I know is there’s a particular type of roll that I learned in dance that I remember doing but it was difficult because I had to do it over the side of the bed to get away from him. And I remember him hitting me with pillows but hitting me really, really hard with pillows, and I remember… just some crazy shit. It was weird but violent. But weird. I remember that I was very, very, angry. I was so angry. I was angrier than I ever remember being in my life. And at some point I used all of the energy -- everything I had in my body -- and I launched myself at him, and pinned him against the wall, and started cursing him. I wasn’t using any vowel sounds, it was all consonants. I was so mad. I went to sleep in the other bedroom. He kept bothering me. After the fight was over he wouldn’t let me alone. And he’s also a photographer and I think one of the things he does to terrorize people is like, sort of claim that he’s being an artist in that moment and getting the most provocative possible photo. I mean this motherfucker is a crazy motherfucker.
MW: So he fucks with people and takes their picture and then is like, I just wanted the best possible photo?
That’s not exactly the words no, no. He would say something way more poetic and complex than that, but basically something like that. And I remember that night, I thought the fight was finally over, I went to the other bedroom, I’m trying to finally sleep, and he gets his CAMERA and starts to photograph me in the other room. And I'm just like, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! And then he just wanted to photograph me being mad. It was insane. And I left the next day.