"every Friday night, we’d get into a fight and he would either beat me up and try to take my money because I just got paid, or he would just take the money out the bank. All of it. And it would be gone." [AN INTERVIEW]Read Now
MW: Did you have anything particular that you want to talk to people about?
Anonymous: I didn’t. I didn’t really know how this was going to go… I thought it was a Q & A session…
MW: It is. Usually the way it works is I make questions for people because I know something about their lives and what they’re going through so I know what to ask… but for you, I don’t really know. I have some general questions for you but I just wanted to ask first if you had anything specific…
Anonymous: I mean, I have two children and I have two different baby daddies so, that’s my situation as far as my outlook on love and life and moving forward…
MW: Do you love your children’s fathers?
I love them. At one point I was in love with them but at this point I am not in love. I don’t want any sexual relationships with them, but I love them to the point where I want the best for them. I love the fact that they gave me two blessings so I’m always grateful for that. I love them just because at one point I did, and anytime I love somebody, that love doesn’t just go away but it just changes. So I love them in different ways. Right now it’s from a distance.
MW: Did they like, do you wrong?
Anonymous: Oh girl yeah! (laughs)
MW: Since it’s two of them, did you learn different lessons with each of them or was it the same lesson?
Anonymous: My first baby daddy, we had a lot in common. We went to high school together… we had an intellectual connection. We could talk about everything, anything. He was actually my best friend at one point because I could talk to him about anything and he would listen. Things went south when… You know what? It was mostly my fault because I was still young and I didn’t take the time to get to know him more. I mean yeah we talked about everything but you have to look at a person’s upbringing. You just have to be around a person before you can actually… you’ll never really know a person unless they just reveal everything to you, but you have to be around them to know their actions and what they do in particular situations. So being that I felt that I found my soul mate, I just jumped up and said hey, let’s move away and start our life in another state. We’re both intelligent. We can go down there, find great jobs and start living our lives. Okay, well I’m 20 years old and I’m trying to be like married and grown and it actually worked out. We moved away and got $10 an hour jobs. He was 21 and I was 20. We moved into an extended stay suite, filed our income taxes as married because we’d moved to a common-law state, and bought us a car and within a month we moved out of the Budget Suites into an apartment. Nice apartment. We would save one of our checks and spend the rest on living expenses.
MW: Did you have a child at that point?
Anonymous: No, we had not. We were single still. He had a child and that’s one thing that drew me to him because of the way I saw his love for his child. But when it came time for me to go through that experience I saw it wasn’t really the love of the child, it was more so his obsession with the woman.
MW: He was still obsessed with his baby mama?
Anonymous: Yeah. That’s how I perceive it now because now I’m going through the same thing that she was going through at that time, and at that time I thought she was horrible, because I’m believing his side of the story. I didn’t know her side of the story. So I’m believing, oh she’s keeping your baby away, but when it came time for me… oh my God my voice is shaking because this is some deep stuff…
Anonymous: When it came time for me to go through it, that’s when I realized, I’ve been duped.
MW: Wait, what do you mean? You gotta explain.
Anonymous: We were single at first, living our lives. And then I got pregnant. That’s when everything went downhill. At that point, I could no longer hang out with him. Because we were like Mike and Ike. If he go, I’m going, if I go, he going. We never separated. But when I got pregnant, that put a halt on things.
MW: Because you can’t go to the club, can’t smoke, can’t drink…
Anonymous: Can’t do nothing. Can’t even walk, can’t even follow him around or nothing. You just sit at home getting fat. But that’s when… this kind of comes from scientific research too – once a man get a woman impregnated, it’s like you really don’t have a purpose anymore because you already pregnant. It’s scientific the way our body works. But it was true in reality because once I got pregnant, he wasn’t home with me, we weren’t Mike and Ike anymore, and he was just never there. And there would be bullshit lies as to where he was… it don’t take all night to do what you gon’ do. So there was times where I didn’t even want to have my baby because of the stuff I was going through, because I was crying and in pain and lonely. And this is not what I signed up for. So along with the pregnancy came abuse and control. We used to fight before I got pregnant, but after I got pregnant, I was a different person.
MW: Because before, you could fight back.
Anonymous: Yeah. I’m a fighter, I don’t care. Before I was pregnant, I would fight anybody. I was just really rowdy and crazy – I guess that’s the hood in me– but once I got pregnant, I calmed down a whole, whole lot. A whole, whole lot. I can get crazy but I still calmed down. I couldn’t really fight back. I had to just take the beatings and he was just a totally different person. And then once my son was born, then that’s when I saw the part that his first baby mama was dealing with. The stalking part. The harassment.
MW: So you two broke up and you lived separately at that point?
Anonymous: Yes. To tell the truth, I actually think he has a drug problem. Not weed, but a real drug problem. Based on the people he was hanging with, the hours, the erratic behavior, and that’s just how I feel. When I got pregnant, he was the one providing. But then he wasn’t able to hold a job. This was not the same person I moved with, and we made all this money and I budgeted our finances…
MW: Did money start disappearing?
Anonymous: Yes! Girl he stole, oh my God! That’s why I’m totally against joint accounts, because when he moved in and we did everything together we also got a joint bank account. Well, this was like a Friday night thing – every Friday night, we’d get into a fight and he would either beat me up and try to take my money because I just got paid, or he would just take the money out the bank. All of it. And it would be gone.
MW: Do you think he just fell in with some jacked up people once you moved away?
Anonymous: What I actually believe is that he was a crack baby. Like I said, I needed to get to know the family more before I jumped into this relationship with this person. Now in retrospect and now that I know the family, it’s a family full of crackheads, drugs, thieves, liars… it’s just bad. But on the good side, they did come from a family of educators and that’s why they’re so brilliant, but they use their brilliance for wrong doing and my son can’t have no part of that. My son can’t go to his great-grandmother’s house – where his father stays – because it’s a known crack house. She has a house and whoever doesn’t have a place to live can come flop there, in the basement its crack city.
MW: Oh shit.
Anonymous: And you don’t know who the fuck in your house – when, where, why, who, what happened - they steal granny money out her purse. No. My son cannot be a part of that environment. I’m sorry. So either change your environment, move out here, I don’t know. But if you want your son in your life, you have to make changes in your life. Because, my son good. He’s a good kid. So you not gonna tarnish that, no.
MW: So your baby daddy doesn’t live in the same place as you anymore? He moved back to the town where you grew up?
MW: So he doesn’t see his son very often?
Anonymous: No. When things fell apart here between me and him and my son was born, my sister came down here and she basically pulled a Solange, okay? (laughs) She was like, no, you is not finna be treating my sister like this, you a bitch ass nigga, hit me then! Hit me! And I had to get ready to take my sister’s side because if he did hit her than we was finna fuck him up, and that’s what was gon’ happen, okay? So he didn’t, and she was like, no, you and the baby are coming back home with me and mama. She called mama and said I’m bringing them back with me cause no, this shit is crazy. So the day that we were about to leave he came over there talking crazy acting like was about to stab me because I was leaving state with the baby or whatever. So eventually he found his way out of jail and back to the city where we grew up. We tried to reconcile. It was still the same abuse, control and him not really doing anything. On top of that, having motherfuckers in my house while I’m at work.
Anonymous: Yes girl.
MW: You mean other women, or just people in general?
Anonymous: Girl, I was at work so I don’t know who all was in there, but if you coming home finding hair rollers and shit that ain’t yours, yeah.
MW: Oh no. And why she come over there in rollers anyway?
Anonymous: This was my landlady. I finally had an epiphany later on and was like, that roller came from that old, 50 year old freak ass landlady. Cause she was a slut landlady so yeah I know she came over there and gave him some and left her roller over there on purpose.
MW: Shut. Up. (laughs)
Anonymous: Yeah. And when I was in the hospital giving birth to his son, he went home because he left the car seat and he was gone for like, too fucking long and I come home and I find a red hair in my fucking bed. Why he would bring the co-workers home on lunch break and it was a red head white chick?
MW: So you were waiting for him at the hospital so you could discharge with your baby, and he was basically like let me go fuck right quick before I bring my woman and my baby home?
Anonymous: I guess. There was red hair in my bed. How did it get there? His explanation was, oh, well you know I was at work doing physical therapy with the old people, hair travels, I brought it in here. And I said, whatever, you know you don’t get on my bed with no outside clothes on so I don’t know how the hair traveled in here. And this looks like ******’s hair. I think that was her name. Yeah, it was a lot of fishy shit going on. It was a lot of fishy shit going on, okay? (laughs) A lot, okay? I’m not a fool. I probably was then but I was young. But you can’t pull that on me now.
So that was that. I moved back home for awhile and my son grew up there a little bit. My son’s father went crazy. Like, I got a new boyfriend and everything, and I would let my ex see his son and keep him while I worked so I didn’t have to pay for daycare, but I didn’t like the environment because I didn’t really know what was going on, so that wasn’t really comforting for me.
MW: That’s so scary as a mom when you have to leave your kids with someone… because there’s so many stories in the news where…
Anonymous: I know! And its way more prevalent now. My kids don’t go anywhere, okay? I’m very overprotective. Because that is nervewrecking as a parent, especially as a parent of a young child who can’t talk. And my son has been handled more than my liking. But my daughter? No. Not many people have kept her, just my mother and her father’s mother. I’m very, very over protective. Now that she’s five she can go to daycare and to school, because she can talk now.
So, yeah that was nervewrecking. And if you can’t trust the father with their own child then that’s horrible. So that’s what happened with that one. With my second baby daddy, it was just something sexual and that’s all I wanted from the relationship but he had other ideas.
MW: You mean he popped you off on purpose?
Anonymous: Yes! Niggas do that, they do! They say women do that to trap a man but no, men do it too. I believe that these two did a great number on trying to trap me, but no, you can’t trap me. Even with a kid. I mean I’m trapped to the position of where I have to work harder and do more than I’m supposed to do, but hey, I guess I signed up for it.
MW: So does he take care of his daughter, since clearly, he wanted her?
Anonymous: Oh my God. This one is actually – he has a mental issue. And I’m not joking – it’s real. He has schizophrenia. And I know its like, how did I not know? You can pretty much call me prude now because the stuff I’ve been through, I’ll be damned… I ‘ll never go through this again. I need to know your family, I need to know who get drunk on holidays and go crazy, I need to know before anything happens between us. Really, I’m so serious. Because a lot of this could have been prevented if my loins weren’t hot and he didn’t look so sexy to me and I just wanted to have sex. But I would have known that he was schizophrenic and that he needed to take medication and that if he doesn’t take medication, oh boy, you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble, whoever around him, when he gets on his psychopath rants. So, needless to say, why I’m no longer in that relationship is because I’m not a trained therapist and I’m not trained to deal with mentally ill patients. (laughs)
As far as the relationship between the children and their fathers – my son is older now. I don’t have to be harassed by his father if he wants to talk to his son. I had to make that very painfully clear to him – we really don’t have to discuss anything. Our son is very mature; he’s smart, he can pretty much tell you what size he wears. Whatever question you have for me, he can probably answer it. So I don’t really need to have a conversation with you, nor do I have a desire to.
With my daughter, her father is crazy. So it’s sad because mental health is not something people really take into account because that shit is real, its serious, and those people who are mentally ill, they need some help. He need help but I can’t be the one to help him because I’m not a trained professional. I don’t want to kill my daughter’s father but if he had remained in our home, that’s what would have had to happen. At this point he doesn’t know where we live. He can’t talk to her and I don’t want to talk to him.
MW: Do you keep in contact with his mother? Because you said earlier that at one point, she had kept the baby…
Anonymous: Helllll no! (laughs)
MW: Dang! (laughs)
Anonymous: His mom is one of these like, sanctified holy Christians. And nobody’s a sanctified holy Christian, not even the nuns. Even they get pregnant and I don’t know how that happens if they’re sanctified nun Christians.
MW: Those priests have sanctified priest penis, that’s what happens.
Anonymous: I know, right? But… how can I put this? I guess Imma just put it – she’s dumb. I don’t really like her. I feel she’s phony. She hides behind her bible and she kind of tried to pawn her son off on me. And when he can live with me, oh, everything’s great and we’re friends, but when I send his crazy ass back to her, oh it’s a problem, or I don’t know. I really can’t tell. But the one thing I do know, is mama’s baby, daddy’s maybe. And the whole reason why he’s on child support now is because he had the audacity – him and his sanctified Christian mother and sister and family had the audacity to say that they had doubts that my baby was his.
Let me just tell you one thing. I know who get me pregnant, okay? Because I’m not a product of that, but my sister is. My mom lied to my dad for like 15 years about my sister being his when she actually wasn’t.
So if I ever had sex with two guys together and I didn’t know who the father was, I would have to make two difficult calls. That’s what I did with my son. It was a difficult call. Me and my ex got into a fight and I went and slept with my ex-boyfriend. We didn’t completely do it – like, I started to feel bad and told him to take it out and go get some condoms but by the time he came back from the store I was ready to go so we didn’t even get to do anything. But I still felt I could be pregnant by him so I had to tell both of them. I told my son’s father, and I told the other guy that to just be ready for that call so that when the baby comes out, we can go take a blood test and find out.
So them saying that I was lying about my daughter being her father’s child was a slap in the face because I know the effects of how lying about that can hurt everybody involved. So I’m just going to own up to my shit. And that’s what I did. But with my daughter, I wasn’t fucking with nobody except her father, so I know you my baby daddy. For you to sit here and lie – it’s not like you’re a freaking basketball player. Your family is not rich. All y'all broke. So it would be beneficial for me to make this somebody else’s baby. I was like, really? Okay well since your whole family got something to say, and your Christian ass mama with her judgmental ass, and your sister got two babies and she don’t know who the baby daddy is… I’m not her. They all in my business, guess what? I’m going to go down to the State Attorney General, and I’m going to file for child support but I’m also going to file for a blood test. Because I know what the results are going to say but since y'all doubt this, maybe you don’t want to have any responsibility towards this child, I don’t know what the reason was for that. Because your daughter is a slut and she don’t know who her baby daddies is? Well I don’t know, I don’t have that problem. So, 99.9999 percent, yeah, I’m pasting this on everybody’s bulletin, and you had something to say too? Okay. Well now your son’s on child support that he wasn’t he going to be on, but since y'all are questioning my character, now you know what my character is.
As far as taking care of her, he can’t even take care of himself. He needs a daily assistant to help with every day living because he’s crazy and if he doesn’t take his medication, he needs help. He needs someone to monitor taking his medicine, making sure he… he just needs help. So if he can’t help himself, hell no he can’t help his daughter. So that’s where I am…
MW: Wow…What was the lesson you learned from these two situations?
Anonymous: I would definitely get to know the person’s family first, like everything – who’s the drunk, who’s the pervert, what happened to you as a child – because you take a lot of your childhood into your relationships, so understanding that, I’m just really cautious about who I allow in my life. That’s the thing I learned from it. I would get little red flags… as soon as I see something I don’t like, I’m cutting it off. People don’t get second chances no more. I don’t have time for second chances. If I see anything that reminds me of any of my child’s fathers, you’re out. That’s it, you’re out! (laughs) Really, I have a low tolerance for a lot of things. I probably shouldn’t base my future relationships on that but if I see any sign that reminds me of it, I can’t move forward. That’s pretty much it. I’m at a place where I don’t want to hear no bullshit. If it sound like bullshit then nine times out of ten, it is.
MW: Is it hard though, being a single mom?
Anonymous: Oh my God, of course it is! I have a little disdain for my mother because she gets a thrill out of seeing me go hard at it like this. She tries to make comparisons and I always have to remind her that not only were you married and had help with your children, you also left them with your husband and one of them wasn’t even his. So you had a great deal of help. So you cannot compare my situation to your situation. But yes, it’s hard. It’s definitely hard because I have to switch from soft sweet mom to rough mom because I have to play daddy. So you never know which mama you gon’ get – sweet mama or rough mama.
MW: You gotta spank your kids and then hug them… (laughs)
Anonymous: Right! And the finances – I mean of course two income household is better than one. It’s a lot of things I want to provide my children materially, but I can’t. But at the same time, they don’t want for anything. They have clean clothes, food, shelter, love. But the things I can provide, I make sure I give that in abundance. Like I probably over compensate with the love because the other parent is not here.
MW: Do they ever express that they miss their fathers or want a male presence?
Anonymous: They do. And I try to keep that open as far as like my daughter – she does not like her dad to the point where she changed her last name…
MW: Your daughter is five!
Anonymous: She saw him acting in a manner she did not appreciate so she changed her last name. She said, that’s not my name don’t call me that. I don’t want his last name, he ugly. So whenever she being bad, all I have to do is tell her I’m taking her to her dad’s house and she’ll get in line and say, I don’t want to go! I don’t want to go with him! And that’s bad, but at this point that’s what she knows of her dad and she doesn’t like it. So she doesn’t want to have any part of it.
My son misses his dad. He wants his dad to make provisions for them to be together. He really doesn’t want to go to that house either. I made him write a letter to his dad so I could see where his head was at, like, what do you want? How do you want you and your dad’s life to be? In fact I think he did send it, because I told him, your dad should see this. I told him to write out an imaginary day or week with his dad, or whatever, so I could see what he wanted. He wants his dad to basically get on his shit, be able to sustain himself, and get a place to live so my son can go out there and live with him. At least we can do half and half and he can go out there for the summer, because he don’t want to do it forever. He just wants to spend an extended stay with his dad, but he don’t want to be at his dad’s grandmother’s house with all of those people in there. And he doesn’t want to be with another family, Because my ex has a habit of moving in with single women with a lot of kids. My son doesn’t want to have to deal with that either, he doesn’t want to have to share his dad with other kids that are not even his kids, when he goes to see his dad. So that’s his ideal situation. If it can’t be that, he wants his dad to come out here and visit and spend some time.
But my ex wants to come and he thinks this is a hotel and he want to stay here and I’m like, hell nawl. (laughs) You better make provisions, and I will make provisions to make sure you have your son. Get you a hotel room and stay or whatever he need to do. You’re a grown man. That’s the part for you to figure out how you gon’ be in your child’s life because I know men that they want to be in their child’s life, they will move to that state, get a job, just to be in their child’s life. I haven’t seen those actions being taken so it’s moot, as far as I’m concerned.
And there was a point where he would call under the guise of talking to his son, but five minutes later its, okay let me talk to your mom. And that’s when I was like, he’s at an age where I don’t have to get on the phone. My ex don’t even have my phone number. My son has his own cell phone. You can call his cell phone whenever you want. Guess how often it rings?
MW: How often?
Anonymous: Barely… barely. We don’t hear from him. This is when we hear from him – around tax time. Because he wants me to lie to IRS for him, or we hear from him whenever he gets a legitimate job because he knows child support is coming, and he wants to be friends so we can try to work something out. That’s the only time we hear from him. Any other time if it’s not him getting a job and child support coming, or it’s not tax time and he trying to get in good because he wants me to file taxes, and if he files taxes they’re going to take all of it for child support, he wants to be my friend so he can say okay, can you give me like three thousand of it back? So that’s the only time we hear from him. And I made sure that I opened the communication lines so he doesn’t say, you never let me talk to my son. He has a cell phone, and his phone number, and amazingly when your son calls you, he can never reach you. Don’t you think you need to fix that, when your son wants to call you, he can’t never get in contact with you? That pisses me the fuck off. Because he makes a big deal and says that I’m trying to keep him away from his son, but the communication lines are open. He calls you, he can’t get in contact with you. And then I have to look at his sad face because he tried to call his daddy and he can’t talk to him. Or you call from these stupid women’s numbers, and when my son calls back these bitches try to cuss my son out. And I be like, hold the fuck on.
MW: Wait, what?
Anonymous: Yes! My son was trying to call back a number his dad had called from and the girl gave him hell like, who is this? She was really nasty. But when she relayed the message back to my ex, he started talking to our son like, you don’t call nobody house and be rude. And I was like, wait a minute, that bitch was being rude. And my son has all the manners In the world because that’s how I raise him. When we go out white people are always saying, oh my God, and I’m like what, was he supposed to be acting like a ratchet ass nigga? So I know my son did not disrespect this woman. But you know what? You need to get your own cell phone so he can call you and not these random ass bitches you living with.
Anonymous: Okay yeah, that just pissed me off… (laughs)
MW: Has he had any other children, your ex?
Anonymous: He just has the one daughter he had before we had our son.
MW: Are you cool enough with that girl’s mom so your son can kick it with his sister sometimes?
Anonymous: You know what, my ex is not even cool enough with the mom to even kick with my son’s sister. He has to sneak and see his child. So if he has to sneak, there’s no way I can get in contact with her. I don’t know her last name, to even try to find her on Facebook so my son and his sister can have a relationship. But they look just alike.
MW: Well hopefully they can have a relationship when they grow up, and they don’t have to go through their parents.
Anonymous: True. I hope that right now my ex… I mean as long as a person is alive, I feel they still have hope. Whether I’m going to sit around and watch for it is a different thing. So hopefully he’s able to get it together for his son. And like I tell my son, once you sixteen, you’ll be pretty much old and mature and big enough to handle yourself, and you’ll know bullshit coming. You can do whatever you want with your dad at that point. But while I’m still your guardian, I still have to protect you.
MW: Because that’s what mommies do…
MW: Well, thank you for this interview. I enjoyed you.
Anonymous: No problem.