"He kept saying, I love you, over and over. He called me his wife's name. It was hard for me to process what happened as rape." [An Interview]Read Now
God I hate this story.
MW: You don’t have to tell it if you don’t want to.
Yes I do. (laughs)
MW: Yes you do. (laughs)
Boooo, okay. So, when I was 21, I worked at this telemarketing company. Um....looking back, I was in a state of transition. I had quit my good job as a receptionist because I kept getting in trouble for being late and it just got to be really tense. I’m an artist and I like to do my own thing. So since I quit my job, I didn’t renew the lease on my apartment. I figured I could stay between my mom’s house and some friends. I just needed some time to figure things out without worrying about making money.
MW: Shit, don’t we all...
Yeah… sometimes I be like, fuck money. (laughs)
MW: I hear you.
So I was kind of lost. And me and my boyfriend kept breaking up so I couldn’t stay with him. I was very unstable. And of course this is all hindsight. It was a confusing time. So I started working this little job because my money had run out and I needed to feed myself and get back and forth on the train without asking my mama for money. So I started working at this telemarketing company. And in a sense I felt kind of ashamed because I had quit my good job to be an artist, but shit that was in summer. (Laughs)
MW: (Laughs) Right.
Now here it was winter, I had no crib, no car, no job, no summer festivals for me to be cute and sell my stuff. And of course I judged myself like, you damn fool! I felt like a failure. I'm saying all that to say, my self esteem was low.
So at the job, there was this supervisor. And let me just say this...now that I’m in my thirties, I know now that what happened to me was that I just immediately wanted to fuck him. Period, point blank.
MW: Wowwwwww (laughs)
(Laughs) But I didn't know what to call that feeling. I didn't even really acknowledge it at a conscious level. I was just drawn to him. But he used to flirt with every chick there except me and I started feeling lowkey jealous. So I started flirting a little myself. Not much. Just enough for him to start paying me some attention too. But then one day he let it slip that he was married, like mid flirt he said some shit about his wife, and I was like, hold up, you can't do none of the stuff we was just talking about if you're married. But he was like, why not? And I remember being confused. Because mind you, I was only 21. He was about 35 or 36. So I didn't understand that people legit cheat on their partners. I still thought married meant married.
So even though he had told me he was married, in my mind I felt even safer flirting with him because I knew nothing could happen.
MW: Even though he had said, why not?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying, it didn't compute. It didn't make sense to me so I ignored it. It would be like if your husband said, I’m pregnant. It's like, yeah right, shut up, stop tripping.(Laughs) So he said that on like, a Friday, and I was perplexed over the weekend, but by Monday it was on and popping. I was more excited about the fact that he had finally gave me some attention than I was worried about the fact that he was married. I just hate rejection so I felt cute again. But I reiterate, I never saw myself as trying to fuck a married man. I was still very naive in that respect. I saw myself as stunting on these hoes (laughs). You know? As being the bitch wanted by the nigga that all the bitches want. At least that's who I was trying to be. And that bitch is even more cold if she ain't fucking that nigga. So I really wasn't trying to fuck him. I was attracted to him, and I thought about fucking him, and I wanted him to want to fuck me, but I wasn’t trying to fuck him. I want that understood.
MW: I understand.
Okay. So because I wanted him to want to fuck me, I started dressing mad inappropriately for work. I got a big ass and big titties and all my clothes were tight. And he noticed. This other chick at the job who I was cool with noticed too. She and I had started sitting together on our shifts. We used to compete for completes. That’s what you call a successful close, is a complete. She was real thick too, and real cute and we clicked...
MW: What do you mean y'all clicked? Click, clicked or friendship clicked?
Both. But I didn’t realize it at the time. At first it was just a friendship click but then, ok no wait I’m getting ahead of myself.
MW: Take your time…
So the folks at the job used to throw parties on the Fridays we got paid. I had never been to one but then the married dude and my thick friend told me I should come. The three of us had started drinking Tequila together sometimes after work, in his car. And let me just say, I hadn’t really drank Tequila like that before, or any hard liquor really, so I started doing things...I wasn’t myself. Or maybe I was myself, shit, but not the self I was used to.
So one of these parties was coming up and me and my thick friend were talking about what we were going to wear, and the married dude was listening and I remember wanting to impress him. I can't remember if he asked me to wear something tight or a skirt...I think he did..but either way I wore a tight skirt with him in mind. The party was cool. It was real cool, actually. Lots of fried chicken and Tequila. (Laughs) Stepping. It was at this little hole in the wall spot on the west side with wood paneling. Some Chicago shit, for real. I took the bus there, but I told my thick friend I wasn't sure how I was going to get home because the bus had stopped running, and she said one of the other supervisors who was friends with the married dude would take me. I never confirmed that with him though, so I mentioned to the married dude too, that I didn't know how I was going to get home. And to be honest, I wanted him to take me home. I was drunk and he was sexy as fuck to me and I wanted to be alone with him. So he was like, I got you. And when it was time to go, all four of us were at the door, it was me, the married dude, my thick friend, and the other supervisor. The married dude pointed at me and was like, I'm taking her home. My friend pointed to the other supervisor and said, no, he is taking her home, I'm riding with you. But the married dude was like, no, he can take you home. I’m taking **** home. And it was awkward, but I didn’t understand why, and I also I was drunk and pretty oblivious.
MW: Wow. So wait. Did your thick friend like the married dude too?
I didn’t think so, but as it turned they had been fucking the whole time. But I'll get to that.
MW: What the fuck…?
Exactly. So I get in the car with dude and he is drunk as fuck and so am I, but he was so drunk that his driving was making me nervous. At one point he looked at me, and he put his hand on my thigh. I didn't stop him. I probably smiled at him, to tell the truth. I didn't really like it though. I felt like he had skipped a bunch of steps. I remember his hand going up. I don't know if I opened my leg wider or not, but I probably didn’t because I was on my period and wearing a tampon and I knew I couldn't have fingers in my pussy.
And then he took his hand away, and then I remember he turned off onto a side street all of a sudden and parked the car, and literally the next thing I know, this nigga was fucking me. I don't know how the fuck he got his dick out, pushed my draws aside, leaned my seat back and got on top of me in one movement, but that is what that motherfucker did. And I just remember laying there in shock, like, what the fuck? And this is the craziest shit, and how I know I need a lot of fucking therapy, is because I remember not wanting him to be mad at me because I didn't want to fuck.
MW: Oh my God.
And so I patted his back softly. I called his name gently. Like I was trying to wake him up or something. And he kept saying I love you over and over again. And he called me his wife's name. He finally stopped and got off me and drove me home.
So the next day I slept all day. Well, after I dug out the damn tampon. I didn’t process what happened as rape. I just...I was numb. Also I felt guilty because me and my on again off again boyfriend was trying to be on again. Late that afternoon, I called my thick friend to tell her what happened. And she guessed it before I even said anything. She was like, you fucked him. And then she was lowkey mad at me because apparently it was her night to fuck him!
For real! She told me they had been fucking since she was 17. At that point, she was 19, he was 35 and I was 21. She told me she knew I was next to get fucked but she didn’t think I would take her night. She said she always got the ride home after the parties and I took her ride.
MW: Did you tell her he raped you?
I don't think so. I told her how it happened but I didn’t call it rape. I was ashamed of myself. I felt like I asked for it. And then I was so shocked that the three of us had been hanging out and she knew I was crushing on him, but I had no idea they were fucking. That blew me even more than what had happened. All this time, I thought everybody was just flirting with each other because that's all I had been doing, but she explained that he had had sex with pretty much every chick at the job. So I'm thinking I'm special but really I'm next. I’m thinking I'm flirting but really I'm asking for it.
Somehow our conversation turned to threesomes. She said he had made her have a threesome with some old chick and it was gross. I remember talking to her like it was all perfectly normal but inside I was losing my shit. By that Monday, I was in the hospital with a lung infection. I smoked joints and I was asthmatic and I had a cold and I wouldn't stop smoking and before I knew it I couldn't breathe at all. When I finally got back to work after all of that, that nigga looked at me like he broke me. He looked shook. He made some comment like, damn, did you you really have to go the hospital? Like I was being dramatic.
So, I am really not proud of the rest of this story. Long story short, I kept fucking this nigga. I don't remember how it happened the next time but I know I was drunk. I was always drunk off Tequila when I fucked him. Mostly in his car but he took me to a hotel once. I hated him. But he had this hold on me. And he was so funny and his conversation was dope. And he was always getting me drunk. But he was a slimy rapey motherfucker too, you know? One time he took to this club but we started drinking in the car before we went in, and I got drunk. He tried to fuck me right there in the parking lot! And I was like, nigga you gon at least take me in and dance with me! So he took me in and we danced. There was a motel attached to the club and we got a room. But the other thing was that he never wore condoms and since I knew he was fucking everybody in the world, I started to worry about that, so I told him to strap up. He went and got a condom, but I felt his dick before he put it in me, and he hadn’t put the condom on! He was..despicable. And then when I would tell my thick friend what we did, she would always be like, he took me there before. But I wasn't jealous because I couldn't stand him. But I think she loved him. Another thing was that the three of us together had a cool dynamic. We laughed alot, just drinking and talking. That part was fun.
MW: So a while back, you said that you and your thick friend had click clicked. How does that tie in?
Okay. So...yeah, I was feeling her. And I had never been with a girl before so I didn't really know how to feel what I was feeling, you know? But I think us talking about threesomes had kind of opened the door a little, since we were both openly messing with the same guy. Not openly like people at work knew, but we didn’t hide it from each other. So we used to go to this comedy night on Thursdays and it had free food and open bar for an hour. This one night I got sooo drunk within that hour. By the time the show started, I was done. But just before I started feeling sick, I started feeling frisky (Laughs). Me and old girl were talking and I told her I was feeling her, and I like, rubbed my knee into her crotch under the table. But then I got nauseous and started throwing up and our mutual friend who was our ride, dropped us both off at her house. I was passed out on her bed and she was like, I know you not gon fall asleep after all that shit you said. Look what you did to me! She grabbed my hand and stuck it in her panties, which were soaking wet. So needless to say, I perked up. (Laughs)
MW: Obviously! (Laughs)
And we had a really good night! After that, I really didn’t want to deal with dude anymore but she kept wanting to so I did for her. As a friend. I was not her girlfriend, and I did not keep...you know...with her, becsuse she got a little clingy and I got a little mean. Like I said, all this shit happened when I was drunk. When I wasn’t drunk I was distant and... incredulous (laughs) unless it was time to drink. It was a bad time. But the very last time we all hung out together was when we had the threesome.
MW: So you had a threesome?
Yes. And it was awful. But you know, God works in mysterious ways but it was exactly I needed to see myself, like really see myself.
MW: What do you mean?
Well like I said, every time I did something with them, I was drunk off Tequila. This one Friday, the plan was to go to the movies with my thick friend and our other friend, and then go to the party and meet the married dude. We had planned the threesome for after the party. But I turned up too soon. I drank a whole cup of Tequila with no chaser right after work, at like 3 in the afternoon, and then I smoked a whole joint. It was summer, hot, I hadn’t really eaten, and I passed out. They had to take me home and they went to the movies without me. I woke up on my couch like 9 hours later. And I hopped my ass in a cab and went straight to the party. My thick friend and the married dude were just leaving, and I got in the car with them. We literally drove right back to my house and had the threesome in his car on my block.
MW: Why in the car…?
Because it wasn't really my house, I was staying with a friend. But the thing that saved me was that I was, for the first time, stone cold sober. I couldn't drink because I was scared to because I had just passed out earlier. I just couldn't do it. But because of that, I saw what I was doing with them. I smelled it. There was no filter. There was no hiding the fact that I was doing something I didn’t want to be doing. And in the middle of...the act...I vowed not to touch either one of them again. I was disgusted with the whole damn thing.
MW: Oh damn.
I tried to stay friends with her but like I said, she loved him and after the threesome I was pretty convinced he was the devil so…(laughs) I steered clear. I left that job not long after that and that's where our story ended.
MW: I am rarely speechless but…
And there is an epilogue. Me and my dude got back together and I had to tell him he needed to get tested because of all my fuckery.
MW: I am sure he didn't take that well.
How did you know? (Laughs)
MW: So...what do you want women to know? Any last words of advice?
Sure. All that shit I just said? Don’t do any of it.
MW: I can’t with you… (laughs) Thank you. Somebody needed that story.
Bless them. (Laughs)