When I talk to men now, so much of the worry and stuff that I have, like how do I look? You know, or what does he think? Does he think I'm attractive? None of that is present anymore. None of it. And once I've left that conversation, I'm not thinking about it, I don't care what he thought. It's all about me now, and what I think. Its not present in my eyes or in my energy. There is no flirting. Its like he knows after talking to me for a few minutes that she's not available.
MW: The last time you made love, what made you say, this is the last time?
I think a lot of my relationships go the same way. They're mostly about sex. Even though I tell myself that its not, tell myself that its love, but they're mostly about sex. I guess the last time I was able to get a really good look at myself in that situation. And so I decided to stop. I didn't decide not to do it for the rest of my life when I decided in that moment, but I decided to step back and take a break.
I met a priest. I heard his sermon. I'm not religious or anything but when I talked to him... he was a very attractive man, a black guy, and when I talked to him, I approached him and said, I really enjoyed your sermon. A lot of times when men look at my face I can see them being attracted. For him, for this priest -- that whole avenue of thought was gone from his energy, and I wanted that. I knew that would make me focus on other things. And I had a baby, I needed to focus on my baby.
So, I tried it and it changed me. Not just from having sex but it changed things I'd never be able to articulate to you, just profound things that ... that's why I say I must have been a sex addict. Because once I came away from it and looked at from that perspective, I had to admit to myself - yes, I was dressing up my apartment for, what if I get a man? I want somebody to come in here and think, this is nice, or she's got taste, she's this or she's that - trying to get sex. However I dressed, trying to get sex. Trying to get a man. Trying to maybe get respect because I was a single mom, you know. Trying to find love. I didn't have an affectionate father. So, I think that's what made me promiscuous. So the minute I had a man touch me or hug me, it was like for the first time because my father never hugged me. So whenever I see doting, affectionate fathers, I always say, you're helping her. You're helping her.
MW: That's awesome that you're taking your power back in that way.
Its like I met myself. Hey girl! (laughs) Its like I'm meeting her. And I love her. And I will never give up my celibacy, never. It means way too much to me. But then there are the guys who try still.
MW: They don't be knowing...
And you can't just throw that out there when you first meet somebody, oh I'm celibate. But sometimes I do.
MW: Do you have an end date?
For what, my celibacy? Death girl, death. That's the end date. I am never having sex again.
MW: Are you serious?!
I am 44 years old. I have had sex. I have had great sex. I had enough sex for the memories to last me forever. I can just draw on those, because it really doesn't get any better. It hasn't. I think I had the best sex of my life when I was 26 with this guy named *****. We lived together for 2 years and I'm 44 and its never gotten better than him? I'm alright.
MW: Is it partnership that makes sex good for you or do you just go by the sex itself?
I never cared about myself. I was always trying to get the man or get the sex. I wouldn't ask for what I wanted. I was always pleasing. But I realize that's the kind of person I am in conversation too. I'll let someone talk and encourage them and never say anything. Which is okay with me. But. With sex that's probably not a good thing. I'm not really missing anything.
MW: Are you looking for partnership?
MW: You like, I got this... wow. Well it is rare that we as women get to focus on ourselves that deeply. You know how you said you were probably a sex addict in a past life?
MW: Well maybe you were a nun...maybe you were someone who dedicated their life to introspection and maybe you miss yourself. And how come its okay for a person to stop having sex to dedicate their whole life to the study of God, but if you say you're doing it just to study yourself, you're weird? People say, oh that's weird. I'm fascinated by this. Because when I think about it, I could easily spend 60 years just thinking about myself and loving myself. There's so much in there. I get it.
Thank you. But like you, I meet interesting people all the time. I don't feel alone. I guess I can only deal with people in short doses. But living with someone and having a partnership, I don't think that would ever work for me. I think if I could find a man who has made the same decision I have, who has also chosen celibacy... but I don't think they're out there.