"I don’t want no parts of that erroneous myth of the ride or die woman because I almost actually died...I done all the riding I’m gon do." [An INterview, Part 1]Read Now
There was domestic violence in my last relationship. A lot of times when you go through that they say you should talk to the person but I can't talk to him. I can't even get him to acknowledge what happened and he's fucking somebody else now which adds insult to injury. It's just a mess, an all around mess. And I'm like, for the sake of my own mind, this really did happen to me. Sometimes I want to shout, somebody hurt me! And nobody cares.
MW: That's hard too, when you're trying to make the person who did it care…cus gotdammit that's the hardest thing in the world.
Or at least get it. That’s these conscious types. How you gon claim to be conscious, or be an activist, and not have empathy for our (women's) suffering? And we have to be habitually supportive while they dragging us through hell. So, I don’t want no parts of that erroneous myth of the ride or die woman because I almost actually died so I think I am done. I'm all rolled out. I done all the riding I’m gon do. So how would you like me to start?
MW: Just tell me what you want to tell me and if I have clarifying questions along the way, I’ll interrupt you and ask them. If you have a story to tell, just tell me. But I do always like to know how old you were when the story you’re telling me started.
At my current age. But since I’m an actor and don’t tell my age, that’s all Imma say. (laughs)
MW: Let’s do it like one of those surveys. Are you… 18 to 25?
MW: Are you 25-34?
MW: Are you 35 to 44?
I’m up in there. In that neighborhood.
MW: Okay, that’s good. (laughs)
(laughs) Okay beautiful. I guess I can start with last year. This time last year I was engaged actually to a brother that I have known since high school. We lost contact in my late teens, early 20s when I got pregnant with my son, and I kind of found him on facebook. He was always on my heart because of the way that we broke up. I felt that it was my fault, not knowing at the time that all the unrest in my life -- I had left home, my dad was an addict, my mother had already had a couple of nervous breakdowns by the time I was sixteen and pregnant, so that was kind of the situation. So I left home, I got in my car one day and left my dad’s house to go live with my mother and she was in the middle of a nervous breakdown when I got to her house she didn’t recognize me. She was like, which one are you? What did you come here for? Did you come here to hurt me? I couldn’t really stay there. I stayed for two days at my mom’s house, and I woke up - it was the middle of February - and I woke up and all the windows in the house were open and she was sitting there with a crowbar across her lap. And I was like, my mother could kill me. She doesn’t know who I am.
In the midst of that, I didn’t feel like I could go back to my dad’s place so I was staying with friends. I had run out of places to stay and this guy I had just met got my phone number. And I love to tell this story that my baby daddy was driving a pimpmobile. But it really was. It wasn’t even his car, I found that out later. But it was green with gold flecked paint, it had 100 spoke daytons - and white wall tires. And he told me I looked like Foxy Brown the rapper and asked me for my phone number, and I ended up staying with him. Now you can't stay with no grown ass man and not be doing something, even though I was under aged. Obviously this man was sleeping with me and I got pregnant. I felt so ashamed because of the turmoil of the situation. I didn’t want to tell my boyfriend at the time, my boyfriend of two years, that I was pregnant by this guy and that I had been homeless and all of this stuff, and that’s why we’d lost contact. So I told him it was his baby. At the time, as a teenager, I was like, I don’t know, my life is all fucked up, my mama is in the middle of a tailspin, my daddy is drunk all the time and now I’m pregnant. Being with that high school boyfriend was the last time I was actually in a decent relationship of this sort.
My son’s father was the first man to ever hit me, ever, with a closed fist and everything. So we weren’t together for very long. But obviously when I had my son and it wasn’t my boyfriend’s at the time, we broke up and lost contact again. And because I knew I had hurt him by telling that lie - because I couldn’t articulate as a teenager in crisis, I just don’t want to be alone and you’re the only thing that feels stable so I’m just going to say and do whatever it takes to keep you around because I’m afraid, I’m pregnant, and both of my parents are not functional -- I couldn’t say all that as a teenager. I just always harbored this guilt. So years later I get saved. Obviously the relationship with my son’s father was short lived because it wasn’t healthy at all and I was just like, I’m not going to bring a child into an environment where somebody could die. I don’t make a good victim. And if I start feeling like my life is not worth living, I start thinking about taking other motherfuckers with me. Everybody got to be miserable in this motherfucker, not just me. We all gon be in this motherfucker rocking like Ms. Sofia, I ain’t gon be alone. (laughs) So I knew I couldn’t stay with him.
So I moved in with my cousin. It takes me years to really sort of figure out my life. Fast forward I got saved and it was always on my heart to find that old boyfriend I’d lied to and reconnect with him. You know, make amends. See what's going on with him and be as much as a light and a friend as possible and reconnect. It had been I don’t know how many years since I saw him and I always felt like it was my fault he didn’t get married because the first girl he ever loved lied to him and cheated on him. So I was like, I’m going to make amends, one day I’m going to find him, and when I found him, he had been standing still for basically all of those years. He had never done much with his life. He had finished high school and worked a few factory jobs but never really had nothing to show for that time. Now I done went to school, I done for real got saved, I got God in my life, raising a great son, I’m an artist… my life really took some positive turns and I think he was inspired by that and attracted to it. So I used that to be an inspirational friend and encourage him to do great things but he started falling in love with me. It took me about 2 and ½ years to say, I’m not going to leave this brother in the friend zone. I’m going to give him a shot because he keeps asking for a shot. He’s serious. He won my heart bit by bit, he really did. I had gone a few years without dating at all. I’m like, okay, the next man in my life, Jesus gon pick. I’m one of those people (laughs). So I didn’t do no dating for a few years. So he came into my life as a friend and we went to dinner one time and he was like I wanna kiss you and I was like shit shit shit, so we ended up cultivating this sort of weird dynamic because I was always the one driving the pace because he liked me more. We weren’t a couple until I wanted to be a couple, so I know he had resentment around that. So by last year we had been engaged for a little over a year, still having issues. We didn’t even have a ring yet but there were a couple of times where we were at the courthouse - we’d had a great day and we would be like, let’s just go do it. We had gotten to that point where we were planning on sharing a life, we were on a lease together, even though we were living in different cities. Well the reason why we are not married now is because he decided to go to work one day and rob his job of some TVs…
Yes chile. Now this was not in his character in any way that I knew of, but we were living long distance. So I know who he was in high school and I know who he has presented himself to be in this long distance relationship. He was a real baby Christian. When we first reconnected he was living with this ghetto ass girl -- I should send you a picture of her - her ass was a damn mess, she looked like a damn bum, the type to shave her whole eyebrow off and then draw it back on. She got neck tattoos… in all her pictures she got the middle finger up, that type of girl. He was with her, with the neck tattoos and the Newports - just a very hard looking woman. He was living with her and I got the sense that it was some sort of vampire energy around him. I just wanted to be a good sister in Christ. I thought that was me making amends for our past. And he kind of fell in love with the God in me. So, we been praying. I got my prayer partner who was going to be my maid of honor for the wedding and we praying every day. Praying for her man, praying for my man, praying every fucking day for a calendar year. And he wasn’t a lick less crazy. Over the course of the year I discovered he had been dealing with depression; we went on our first family outing, me him and my son went to this Christian conference called Women on the Front Line, a three day intercessory thing. And when I tell you it was an excruciating road trip...this crazy nigga couldn’t make it to the church without calling me the devil, he hopped out of the car in front of my son, just a mess. I thought, how could I possibly be the devil and I’m taking your goofy ass to church but… okay. If somebody in this scenario got to be the devil I guess you ain’t gon call yourself the devil so it's gots to be me. Okay, that’s fine. We made it through the weekend and I was just crestfallen. We fought for days in this little hotel room. He never de-escalated. He never came out of orbit. And I just remember being in the altar call at church like, I don’t want to marry him.
MW: So you had never actually lived with him before?
Never. Nope. Never once, we’d never lived together. Now as far as this TV theft incident, I remember back in July being in his bedroom and seeing this big ass TV and him being like, baby we got a special from my job, I bought this, and I’m going to have my friend put it together and when we move in together I’m gonna put it in our place. I thought nothing of it because it was the only one I’d ever seen. In a couple days it wasn’t there anymore, it was wherever he was storing it. So now flash forward to December, the reason why he hadn’t moved to be with me sooner was because he liked this little factory job, he liked to be able to pay the bills, save money, it was a good job, there was a promotion in it, and there was pride that, as a man, he took from this job. So you must know I was surprised when his friend called me from his job. I’m out of town working on a play; mind you on the way to the play this nigga done clowned so bad in the car, I finally asked him, are you trying to sabotage my job? And he was like, maybe.
Nigga you crazy as a goddamned roach. Let me get on a motherfucking plane now because I ain’t never tried to keep you from doing nothing, especially your damn job where they was paying you. Why are you trying to ruin my shit, okay? So let me just leave you standing here in the airport, okay? So I go ahead and get on a plane, still praying, I’m still trying to make it work and still be myself - which is what caused the fight. You ever had a man like the idea of you but…? With the Christian girl archetype and the ex-girlfriend coming back narrative, I’m an entertaining girl, I’m a cool chick, a lot of people like me - but that doesn’t mean they like me beyond the part of me they can relate to. They don’t know what to do with those other parts. And he resented me in a lot of ways. So I’m like I’m not gon let him ruin my career so I’m gon get on this plane. So I did. Mind you I’m still praying, still going through whatever. This man decides without speaking to me that he was going to rob some TVs from his job. I’m sure he’d gotten away with it in the past but the security cameras caught him this time. Of all the people I know I never would have thought him bright enough to be a criminal. He’s not the smartest nigga but he’s a good man. I mean that honestly -- he didn’t know the difference between Rosa Parks and Harriet Tubman.
Yeah, and he told me Nina Simone sounded like a man and I was like, I don’t know who I’m dating. I don’t wanna talk to you no more. (laughs) He said Harriet Tubman was riding on the back of the bus -- it’s too much! What the fuck are you talking about? And he would be really condescending to me. I know you can’t act too book smart dating a blue collar brother because they not that book smart. You can’t do that. So I never did. But he would always be mocking some shit I came up with. Like it's ludicrous. He’d be like, you think what? Yeah nigga I do, and I got some books to back it up. Folks agree with me! So I’m working on this show and he done got busted because he the wrong nigga to be committing these crimes. So they catch him immediately, put him in the back of the car, come to find out he has a warrant for driving on a suspended license. He blames me for that because he was providing for my household even though we didn’t live in the same town. Again, if I’m pressed to be a relationship with you, I’m going to be single until I’m married, that’s how I look at it. If you want to take me off the market you have to provide for me. He was my man so he was paying bills and doing the shit men do for they woman. But he wasn’t getting the pay off of him bringing his ass down there to live in the household he was providing for, to reap the rewards of the friendship he was cultivating, he didn’t get that. Now they gon keep him for a month because he got warrants in two counties, one for this new charge and one for the license that’s suspended.
MW: Were y'all doing it or were you waiting for marriage?
We were not doing it. We fooled around, petting and hand jobs and a kiss or two in some no-no places but we were not actually having sex, we were waiting for our wedding night for that. Well at least I wasn’t having sex, I can’t say what this nigga was doing down there. He wasn’t honest with himself and he wasn’t honest with me. And he has a very close relationship with a gay man and I don’t know many straight niggas who can hang out with gay men. That’s just a taboo in our communities. So I always thought it was sketchy. And the gay friend was the one who loaned him the car to commit the crime and the one who paid his bail to get out of jail. And that was a big deal with his sister, she said, you his fiance, you ain’t gon pay his bail? I’m a mother. You trying to tell me I’m supposed to take my rent money now and bail this nigga out? No.
MW: Yeah, no.
No, I’m not about to do that. I didn’t have nothing to do with him stealing. I wasn’t his accomplice. He tried to say it was because I said I was going to break up with him if my car got repossessed. I was just mad. But just because of one comment you trying to pin your life of crime on me? I said, I’m getting rid of this car and I’m getting rid of you, the day I have to get rid of this car is the day I get rid of you, I think I said some shit like that. (laughs) And he was like, I thought you was gon break up with me if you lost the car. You know what, that car has been repossessed twice. You ain’t consult me. Whatever you were thinking, you didn’t call me up and say baby, here’s what I’m thinking of doing. And then that negated the fact that he had already stole shit before but now you wanna try to pin it on your lady, it's your lady fault you out here making dumb life decisions. I just thought that was some coward, weak shit. And his sister talked to me bad, I ended up in the emergency room because my blood pressure was so high. I’m out of town working on this play alone. Me and his sister went back and forth so hard if I’d have seen her, I would have popped her head like a pimple, I’d have been in the penitentiary for the rest of my life, I was furious! They wanted to keep me at the hospital because my heart rate was so high. The nurse took my phone. She said, ma'am, no, you’re done. Whoever you keep texting and talking to, it's over. And I felt like God was like (laughs), IT’S DONE! You finna fall out and this nigga not even here, like that's really what God was saying. You could die in here today and none of those people that you so worried about are here to help you. This man that you love and got your pressure up over, he can't even come see bout you if you fall out here. Think about it.
And after he got out of jail our relationship wasn’t the same. He stuck me with the lease for the townhome we had rented together when we thought we were getting married, and the rent was higher than the place I had been living in before. And I couldn’t sustain it. I lost my place, I ended up moving, all because this relationship ended. I ended up moving to the worst neighborhood in town. Murder row. Everybody told me. 2016 was just the hardest year ever. That includes the year my brother was murdered, 2014. 2014 I was like this is fucking terrible. 2015, it's alright, but nothing great. 2016 I was like woahhh. If I live through this year, I can live through anything, I can tell you right now. If Imma go out, Imma go out fighting. I either gotta give up or I gotta fight until I’m okay. And I’m still fighting. But really the thing that was the impetus for it was my love life and this desire of wanting to have a mate. Going on five years as a single Christian woman with no man, just seeking Jesus, and to get to this point where I’m with this brother, he ain’t doing right, he ain’t everything I want but I’m praying, praying, praying for him, I know he loves me, and now he does the most self-sabotaging shit ever. I liken his behavior to me going out and letting all the niggas in the neighborhood run a train on me before the wedding. Who the fuck does some self sabotage shit like that? It's like insanity. Why would you do that? I didn’t get his actions. It was crazy to me. I ended up having to go to eviction court on my own even though we were both on the lease.
MW: So he was like, I’m not going to move in with you because you didn’t pay my bail?
We done. We done. Didn't’ talk for like three weeks while he was in jail and it wasn’t much to say when he got out. We talked a couple times and it didn’t necessarily go any smoother. And to me I just thought you can’t call me your family and be loyal to me, but you letting your sister talk to me bad, you making these kind of crazy life decisions. Whoever you making these decisions with, that’s your family. Those your people. And to me its like, you stupid because your sister would never take your side over her damn husband, she’d put you out. That’s her husband. So I’m your wife, why the fuck am I even addressing your sister at all? Why is she even talking to me? You put me in a position where woman to woman I have to respond. Ain't no, that’s his sister I gotta respect her because this bitch ain’t saying that’s his woman, let me tell him how I feel about his lady and address him. This bitch talking directly to me. So that means if I beat this bitch over the head with a damn crowbar, her ass deserves that! I wasn’t messing with her, you know what I’m saying? And I just didn’t get it, why he didn’t have my back. It felt disloyal. Regardless, I can’t do this. I can’t do it. He clearly don’t give a fuck, he making these kinds of decisions. And basically we let the relationship die. But we had these things that we were tied into and responsible for. It's just because he was so unrepentant, and kept saying it was my fault, that I was selfish. From what he told his sister, I was selfish, and that’s why all this shit happened. He had obviously been telling this bitch nothing but negative things about me, going to her to vent, for her to have so much negative to say, and I just felt betrayed because it's like, I did take your crazy goofy ass to church on our first date. I connected you to my Christian council when we first met. I didn’t try to touch you , push up on you. I didn’t even wanna be your damn woman, I was your friend, for years, I was using you? Get the fuck out of here. You ain’t never had to provide for no woman.
It's like, so many other brothers I’ve dated, they don’t know nothing about warrior shit. Everything is handed to them. They don’t hunt and gather for nothing that they fighting for, they get offended. They say, oh I dated bitches with master’s degrees before, I done dated beautiful women - why the fuck is we comparing? I don’t know what those bitches allow in they life but that’s not me, that’s not my life. Don’t try to make me feel like I’m on discount just because you ain’t never had to do shit for no woman. If you gon fuck with me, you gon provide and protect and nurture and serve and sacrifice and love me like Christ loved the church. You ain’t got much but you got enough patriarchy and enough bible in you to know you want a wife to obey and submit. You ain’t got no ideas as a leader but you know what you want. So you gon have to pay for that. That’s gon cost you something- time, energy -- and he had been paying. He had been putting it in and I couldn’t do nothing but respect it. I was loyal to him and faithful to him the whole time we were together. And then for him to like remix it, or rehash it in his head or hit the replay button and say I’m using him? It's your fault, I ain’t gained no weight, my drivers license suspended, I couldn't do this, couldn't do that, all because of you. And I’m like, okay, everything is my fault, now I’m out the way.
MW: What does him not being able to gain weight have to do with it? (laughs)
I don’t know, because he was feeding me, I guess. He was feeding me with his money, I don’t know girl. (laughs) I did it all! I left the nigga skinny, he black, he everything, it's all my fault girl, I did it all.
MW: Girl bye.
It was a lot of hard days. When I moved on that street everybody was like you moving on the worst street in town. And my car did get repossessed. I got it back for a little while. I did get it back with my income tax. And ended up walking at night, that’s when things really started getting worse. I feel like my life is not going well. I feel like God has forgotten about me when I’m out walking at night because it's not cool for a woman to be walking after dark. It's just not cool. And that was my life. And that's not where it really got bad, it actually got worse than that, right around the time that I met the brother who was abusive.
So my fiance left my life -- and I wanted to tell him this, he actually called me a couple of days ago and asked for prayer. You know now he’s dealing with a felony charge and I guess he’s dealing with the fact that he still ain’t quit smoking pot, he’s dealing with the fact that he ain’t finished school or finished successfully the courses that he started, he’s dealing with the fact that he’s still underemployed and still fucking around with these temp jobs because of his life life choices. Now I’m not there and he didn't’ become a millionaire in a year. Go figure. It didn’t all fall into place after I left. So he called me yesterday and instead of me saying I told you so, and called him stupid or said fuck you, get off my phone, I prayed for him and I let him pray for me, because I still need prayer, very much so. And I wanted to tell him that his abdication of responsibility is abdication of leadership, and him not keeping what he said he would do in my life and really showing up -- and what the fallout was for the past year. That I did have to live on murder row where there have been multiple murders; where, while I lived there a woman was murdered, gang raped. Like the niggas in the neighborhood ran a train on this addict, she had an OD fit during it while they were gang raping this girl, and instead of them calling the police, they cut her up and threw her in the river.
MW: Oh my God.
That was my street, while I’m walking back and forth to the bus. At night. Very scary. So that’s one thing. The landlord was mildly racist. There was the indignity of poverty, there was the indignity of being evicted. Not once, because I lost two places. I lost the place before that and that’s why he was like, I’m just gonna move down baby, let’s get married. You’re trying to pay all these bills by yourself, I’m just gon move down. Okay, so now you’re my hero. But ultimately, I end up in a place that cost me more money, I lose that. I end up moving by myself, I had nobody to help me. I end up moving to this disgusting slum, basically, run by this quasi-racist slumlord who is certainly racially biased because he rents to a lot of poor black people. We immediately end up in eviction court. And I was just trying my best, working four jobs, still underemployed, couldn’t stay on top of the bills and the requirements of the housing. You know, living in a house you gotta take care of the lawn. Every time a letter came about the grass they would give it to me. I’m like nigga I don’t even own a lawnmower! I can’t pay my bills on time! Now I gotta be responsible for the damn grass?! It's too much! Okay! (laughs) Plus they had me paying for like the sewer, I mean the shit was in his name but it was just a line item on my lease. That’s the kind of landlord he was. Technically by law he was charging for shit he wasn’t supposed to. He just kept it in his name and put it on the lease and when I couldn't stay in there successfully-- my water was off for awhile, my lights were off -- and I’m dealing with this predatory energy because I promise you the day I become single, men are different with me. I can tell, the energy from men shifts. When there is somebody covering me who really loves me, my inbox is different, everything is different. Now I’m vulnerable, I’m poor as shit, and it's still dudes trying to slide in and sneak in where they can. I was supposed to have been married, I’m over 30, I’m trying to prepare my body for more children, and instead of that I’m having to experience the hardest 2 and ½ years of my life, and it's because of love.
So I was going through all this stuff, still trying to build my business, still trying to work every job that I can as much as I can, and it's getting harder and harder, and on Father’s Day - there was this artist guy -- I’d never really thought of him - I thought he was kind of weird and a little crazy -- his visual art reads to me as crazy as well -- he inboxed me like, for awhile saying, I wanna book you as a model. I said, you know what, fuck it, Imma just take this time to make my art, I ain’t gon miss another opportunity to make art, I’m gon call this nigga back, and tell him my per diem, I’m gon make some art. I went, it was supposed to be for him, but he ended up modeling for me and I took his photos. We drank wine and I smoked some pot with him and we’re vibing really hard. And I’m not usually that loosey goosey in a work environment. It depends on the person and the situation and all of that. But the vibe just seemed right. So I’m shocked that our chemistry was this...like, for real. At some point he was standing next to me and I was like, oh my, there’s no space. This dude that I thought was weird and not my type at all, I’m having like a God moment. That’s how powerful the connection is. Our art was perfect. The art making was perfect. It was this weird artist space, like you could tell he was trifling as hell, he a bachelor, he’s an artist so his mind is sort of cluttered so there’s stacks of things all over, but it all just fit. It all fit together. He let me into his space, he trusted me, he took every step that I wanted him to take as a photographer -- and I had every intention of modeling for him too, at some point I think I ended up giving him a lap dance -- I didn’t take my dress off (laughs) but my damn dress was short too, it was summer time, my gams was out, I was turnt up, we done smoked a little bit, the photos got this little one hitter in the photos, him hitting it, you know -- we had a good time. And I think I ran out of gas and he came and picked me up.
And this whole time with me and my ex fiance -- there was this other guy that I had a concurrent narrative with. He is a male model. I post our photo every so often but not too often because everybody makes a big stink about him. My ex fiance did, this other man I dated did -- and truthfully, he was the nigga to beat, in my mind, but they don’t know he treated me poorly. And I had shot my shot with him right after me and my ex broke up -- this was the guy I really wanted and we had been kind of talking and vibing as friends. We had great chemistry. But he was like bitch I’m not fucking with you, I think you’re crazy, I hate your guts. Now that’s because I’m like moving into, moving on down basically. My relationship was in a shambles. It’s like every time he’s been in my life, I’ve been in crisis as a woman. And when I’m in crisis, my need for love -- it's like I’m flailing, I’m flailing. I need help on every level. I need somebody to help me come move my shit, I need somebody to affirm me right now, I feel scared, I feel sad, I need help with everything, everything. My neediness goes way up when I’m in any kind of crisis. And the last time he and I were close, it was right around the time my brother had died, so all he’s ever known of me is that we have a good time… and then I nut the fuck up! (laughs) We are good and then I nut up and he just did not have the patience for it. He was harsh with me, he was cold, he was like I’m not dealing with this, whatever you got going on. You homeless, your nigga left, I don’t care whatever happened. I don’t fuck with you like that.
That’s basically how that went. Crushed me girl! And when I say I shot my shot, I was so honest, I was so vulnerable. We do have a great rapport. I don’t know why when it's me plus him I go into full conniption mode. Some of it is situational, but I also think it's his energy and the way he handles me kind of pushes me...he has kind of an Iceberg Slim quality to him. He is an activist as well and black and conscious in the Hotep kind of sense. So now I basically done took two Ls. And the remainder of the spring was random niggas trying to cut into me while I was down. There’s a certain kind of like man that will try to slink in. He don’t wanna be your man when you down. He’ll buy you some gas, maybe some McDonald's. You know like the kind of dude that wanna exploit a black single mother. And some little guys were 90k professionals, some were lighting designers, some were some broke motherfuckers. And I wasn’t having sex with nobody but it was like… I just was run down and dudes was trying to take advantage of me. I got my guards up 24/7 and I still need help and community, I got my heart broke twice. Now all spring -- because I’m a cute girl, I’m letting my energy kind of lead when it needs to. If I don’t feel pretty enough I’m absolutely gonna inbox a boy, fuck this shit, hey, how you doing, thank you for telling me I’m pretty, and there were two or three guys I was talking to, an activist -- anybody who’s kind of hot shit -- a hot shit activist, a hot shit painter, the lighting designer, and like a poet, one of these little light skinned, green eyed poet type niggas -- but the poet was a total Hotep - has two wives and believes God told him he should have a third. And that he was going to have 12 sons. But I digress from that story.
That was my spring. Every kind of dude was attracted to me, but with unfocused energy, unintentional energy, no intent to really help me or be in my corner so I spent the whole spring rejected and alone and getting my son through school and working and being the best mom that I could be, still making the best art that I could make, showing up for everything that I can, ain’t done nothing wrong as far as I can tell. I didn’t rob nobody, I did pray for this nigga, I wasn’t using him. I was a stripper from 18 to 23 -- if I wanted to be a dirty bitch my whole life, I’ve been provoked enough to be a dirty motherfucker but I chose not to be that. And its like damn, I still got shit on in every way from everybody. Even from the conscious brother that you would have thought who know me, who seen me.
But let’s get back to the domestic violence situation. We had the best date ever and I’m thinking Jesus is in it. Now mind you, I had a feeling like the week before, or maybe a month and a half before with another photographer friend of mine. We had been working on some stuff and when we got to the end of the work day it was like, we just had the perfect fucking day, woah, like, oh my God, there’s chemistry, I wanna kiss you, woaaah, is this God? But then the energy between him and I stopped. Like, I couldn’t even find him in the spirit, I couldn’t feel the connection to him. But I knew that I had had this God moment, and I knew there was something to being around him.
The same thing happened with this guy I was telling you about. I was like, wooaah, the art, everything, it was like we were in perfect syncopation, all of it. Like I would start a thought or I’d think about something like, man it would be great to have some lemonade, and he’d be like, do you want something to drink? Are you thirsty? This happened so frequently and happens so frequently with me and this brother. And we just immediately clicked and started talking and hanging out and we were vibing, vibing, vibing. Now he had a baby on the way, the baby was due in October. Now from what he had told me, the girl had cheated, he wasn’t sure if the baby was his- whatever - but he did have a son with the girl. So he got two babies with the girl, and the girl was 23 years old…
MW: Oh no…
He’s 33. Oh no is right. If I hadn’t have had for real all the feelings that a woman could have at one time… I wouldn’t have fucked with him because on paper that don’t look right. He wasn’t even of interest to me until that day, until that very day. Every time I saw or thought of him I was like this nigga weird and crazy and no. No, no, why is he even talking to me? Beat it! (Laughs) This ain’t my type of nigga. I wasn’t even checking for him. And then we had this amazing day. I said wowww, okay. And he was coming all the way to another town to see me. And he was like, yeah I definitely will come see you, this was great. I’m excited about it. And we’re vibing. When I say we have amazing conversation with genuine laughter. Very quirky guy. He told me immediately, he told me everything that had been going on with him, that he had been incarcerated for three years for robbing a nightclub in his early 20s, that he had fought alot… he fought a lot in prison, he fought alot in life, that there was domestic violence in the household he grew up and his father had pushed a kid through a TV when he was younger… he saw his mother get beaten up. He didn’t tell me what he was diagnosed as, I don’t know now -- it sort of changes. But what sticks is bipolar, that’s the one he consistently acknowledges. And I didn’t immediately disqualify him because again, I had this amazing experience creating art with him, and then I grew up with a mother who had been diagnosed as schizophrenic when I was a child and had three nervous breakdowns over the course of my growing up. And I knew what kind of woman my mother was. And how resilient and how gentle and how beautiful, and how pure of motive, and how traumatized and how I always thought she deserved love and how I thought it was an injustice from God that she was alone. Like if she had been loved properly would she have become healthier? And this feeling and this art making and all of these places where it’s amazing, I thought, Imma give it a shot. He showed up for me, he got my water cut on in his name. It was a tough June, July, and finally in July he was like, you should just come move in with me for a month or two. Because I knew my son wanted to go to college in a city near ours and I thought, this is fast, I’m taking a risk, but it's a risk worth taking because of all the good. And as soon as I got down there it was rough and traumatic in every way it could be...(to be cont'd)