"we all know about that double standard. if a man falls to his weakness you’re supposed to be forgiving but if a woman falls, she becomes a walking, talking moral crisis. I won’t be labeled as that. I’m fucking human." [an interview]Read Now
MW: How long have you been married?
Anonymous: For awhile.
MW: When you got married, had you ever been with anyone but your husband sexually?
Anonymous: Maybe two other people, if that. If you can count that.
MW: What are your views on fidelity?
Anonymous: Fidelity means faithful, right? I don’t really know what my views are on fidelity. That’s a good question. I don’t think that if a person is unfaithful to their partner that it means they don’t love their partner. Those are two separate things. You can love someone and still end up feeling attraction – or feelings – for someone else. I think that’s very natural, very normal, very human. And it poses that question of monogamy—are humans meant to be monogamous? It’s not really an easy question to answer but I think that’s a good question. Are we intended to be monogamous? Because maybe we’re not. Maybe you can have feelings for someone and love someone but be in love with somebody else.
MW: Do you think someone could be in love with two people at the same time?
Anonymous: I kind of think so. I don’t know if I ever did that before but at this point I think anything’s possible. I’ve never been in love with two people at the same time so I can’t really say that. I mean I can love one and be in love with the other. At certain points, one might be your favorite. That’s how you have to look at that.
MW: Have you ever had feelings for someone other than your husband?
MW: Did you tell your husband?
Anonymous: I won’t.
Anonymous: I won’t do it. I know when you’re in a marriage people think that you’re supposed to share everything with each other but I think some stuff is okay to keep to yourself. Especially if you know your partner and you know they wouldn’t be able to handle it. Maybe they would or maybe they wouldn’t but just for the sake of loving them enough I’m like, I’m not going to put this on you because I think this is something you won’t be able to handle. I think this is something that may kill you on the inside even if you never voice it.
MW: What if your partner came to you and told you he had feelings for someone else? Or what if he does have feelings for someone else but won’t tell you? Which would you prefer?
Anonymous: I don’t know how I would feel unless I heard it come out of his mouth. And even then I would be understanding because deep down inside I understand what it’s like to have feelings for somebody else. So I can’t come at him like, you dirty mother fucker. I can’t come at him like that when I know what my reality is.
MW: Do you think you might feel relieved?
Anonymous: Yeah. I think I’d feel like, ok we’ve cleared the air. Now we can talk about it.
MW: Is cheating a deal breaker for you?
MW: Yeah, me either. So if he told you he cheated you would stay with him?
Anonymous: Yeah. I have. We’ve been down that road before. Years ago it was a pill I had to swallow. And that was back when I wasn’t thinking about nobody else. I wasn’t interested in seeing nobody else. I was completely and madly in love and that’s probably why it wasn’t a deal breaker for me. I was able to see it as a mistake. It was something that he voiced was a mistake and he said he wanted to continue on with me so I had to take it for what it was. And everything in his actions matched his words so at that point I had to just make up my mind to deal with it. It was a hard pill to swallow though because I was hurt. I won’t lie. And that’s why part of me won’t let me do it to him because I know what it did to me when he revealed it to me. Me being the sensitive person I am – or that I was back then – dealing with that type of stuff, I couldn’t handle it. And I tried my best for damn near ten years to get over it.
MW: Are you over it?
Anonymous: I am now.
MW: Because you got under somebody else? (laughs)
Anonymous: (Laughs) Yep.
MW: Because they say the best way to get over one person is to get under somebody else…
Anonymous: And whoever said it isn’t, lied. That is the honest to goodness truth. It’s not like what I did was something I did because I was purposely going out trying to get revenge. This was years later, after he did what he did. It was something that just came up. So you know, after I did what I did, I was fine with it. I understood. I finally understood. I remember back in the day when he first told me and he confessed everything he did and he was like, you take it so personal like I purposely did it to hurt you… it wasn’t personal. And now I get it. Mine wasn’t personal either. I honestly get it. It had nothing to do with trying to hurt him or remind him or anything like that.
MW: Did you feel like you loved your husband differently before you knew what he did? Did his confession change your love for him?
Anonymous: No it didn’t change how I loved him, it changed how I loved me. How I thought about me. My self-esteem took a hit. And that hurt. Because that whole time, before he confessed what he did, I had suspected it all along. But I was being told that my intuition was wrong. So it made me feel really stupid afterwards when the confession and everything finally came out because I was like, I knew it. And you made me feel like I was stupid for feeling the way that I did, and I wasn’t. You did that to protect her and it made me feel like shit. Not to mention, you know, one chick was a chick that was coming around the crew, you know? So you got this chick smiling all up in my face and the whole time y'all know y'all got this going on. That’s hurtful.
MW: The person that you got with, is it someone your husband knows?
Anonymous: No. And I love that. He has no knowledge. He don’t know him. They don’t cross paths. They could see each other in the street and not know who they are. So, he won’t know.
MW: So… are you having an affair? Or was it a one time thing?
Anonymous: It was a fling. Like a cute little summer fling.
MW: Was it just physical or was it emotional?
Anonymous: I think we both – me and him – thought it was probably going to be just physical. Or at least me – that’s how I went into it. It was like, this is a nice guy, I’ve known him for a long time, he’s nice to me… we had flirted back and forth for years so when things came about, I just went for it. (Looks off into space)
(Looks back at me) What was I saying…? I had a flashback. (laughs) What was the question?
MW: You were saying you thought it was going to be just physical. (laughs)
Anonymous: Good, bring me back. Bring me back 'cus I left for a minute…Yeah, it started out physical like, it’s going to be no big deal. I gave myself permission to do this and it’s just a hookup. But after the hookup – during the hookup – I think me and him both knew like, oh shit, this is for real….
MW: We are not just fucking, we are making with the love…
Anonymous: Yeah it was like, this is serious. And even afterwards… when we finished he was like, okay, make sure you call me. And when I called I think what struck me, and really made me comfortable and happy was when he picked up the phone he was like, how are you feeling? Are you okay? He was checking up on me mentally, emotionally, physically – how are you feeling? And I liked that because it showed concern.
MW: Did it surprise you? That you were able to cheat? Wait, I don’t want to say cheat. Because sometimes I think we let the way we operate in our marriages and relationships define our personal morality and I don’t think it should be that way. Because sometimes being true to yourself pisses everybody else off, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be true to yourself. So I don’t want to say cheat. But what I mean to ask is, did it surprise you that you were able to sleep with someone other than your husband?
Anonymous: It did a little bit but, I gave myself permission to do that a long time ago. Because I told myself when I was in a really dark place and I was hurting. And that’s why I told you earlier about how he had done his dirt and he was confessing and everything… I purposely didn’t go out and get no bum to get back at him with. (Pauses) I don’t know quite how to put it.
MW: You knew you had that card…
Anonymous: Yeah. And I played it. And I waited. I gave myself permission a long time ago. So this wasn’t about cheating or not cheating, or anything. I gave myself permission a long time ago to do what makes me happy. Live in the moment. Whatever comes, comes. Don’t hold yourself back, because he didn’t. And it was at the expense of my heart. And if it ever hurts him – which, I don’t want to hurt him – but don’t hold yourself back from that. So when this opportunity came, I’d already given myself permission. And it’s crazy how – before I even committed it, or whatever you want to call it – I don’t want to say committed because it makes it should like murder – but, I said my prayers to God and I went on. I was like, Lord you gon’ have to forgive me but you know… I held back as long as I could! (laughs)
So I gave myself permission for that. And I know people might say, you should regret it, you should be ashamed – but I don’t feel one ounce of regret, not one ounce of shame. The only shame I had was that the day afterwards, I had such a fucking glow about me. And I couldn’t tell nobody. I just had to keep the happiness that I felt inside and that may sound weird to people, but it’s true. I was like, happy, that I did it. Because I gave myself permission to step out of something that I’d been in so long. Something that was starting to confine me and put me in this role and this box and… you know? So I gave myself that.
MW: Was it hard? I mean… how was it dealing with your husband after that?
Anonymous: It was hard. Only because I know something inside of me had changed. And anytime you go and you be intimate with anybody, I think something inside of you is going to change unless it’s like a random hookup with somebody and you don’t care about them. But when you have feelings for someone, and then you have feelings for another guy, it gets really tricky when you go back to your mate. Because, you know… when a dude get in it… tattoo his name in it…. then…
MW: His name is in it.
Anonymous: His name is in it now. And it gets hard to go back and look at the other dude, like… um, yeah. This is great. (laughs)
MW: This is really nice…
Anonymous: Sure, I’m very happy and satisfied right now. (laughs) But that’s the thing, after that happens, it’s like you’re constantly trying to get back to the other dude. It literally is almost like, an addiction. Like cocaine. Deep shit.
MW: Are you still trying to get back to him? I mean not every day, but some days?
Anonymous: I take it one day at a time. One day at a time. Which means I try not to go after him but I know if he makes his way back, it would be hard for me to turn him down. I got to the point that now that I’ve finally opened up, I feel like I’ll always be open to him. It would be hard for me to shut that down, unless something happens that would make me say, okay, I can walk away from this. But the feelings are too strong. They will never go away.
MW: You’re saying something would have to happen to make you break up with your own feelings for him?
Anonymous: Right. He would have to turn into like a monster or something to where I would be like, oh shit, I dodged a bullet. I gotta get the fuck out of here.
MW: So then are you open to love? Are you open to… if someone else was to come along? When you gave yourself permission, was it like, forever permission? Or just this one time?
Anonymous: It was forever permission. With him. I’m kind of exclusive in that way which sounds weird because of the conversation we’re having, but… I’m not just open. I’m not single. I’m not dating.
MW: It’s like you have one husband and one boyfriend and that’s it. (laughs)
Anonymous: And that’s it. (Laughs) And I’m happy. I’m okay with that arrangement. I’m alright with that.
MW: Have you ever wanted to leave your husband for this man?
Anonymous: No. Because I feel like that’s a dead-end trap. Never leave my husband for him. I will leave my husband for other reasons but I won’t leave my husband for him. Not for somebody that.. you know… I don’t know much about. I’ve known him for years but I don’t know him. I’ve been away for him for years, at certain points. So it’s been times where we haven’t been in contact that I know nothing about. Dude could have had VD or some shit. Or something that would make me like, throw up. So I was always conscious of those types of things. That he probably has his own issues and his own shit that I probably wouldn’t want to tolerate or deal with. And I don’t know about those things. So I can build him up in my mind as that dude who will always have a part of my heart but I can’t say that I would want to leave my husband for him.
MW: It’s like what the woman in the interview last week said – you can love someone and love has no bounds, but in terms of a relationship, there’s certain stipulations. So you’re saying you can love this guy, but as far as a relationship…
Anonymous: No. I could… I could want to build on a relationship with him but that takes an enormous amount of time. I mean, I could see myself building with him – that’s where it was headed… but I had to put the brakes on. Because it was heading toward that. I didn’t know how to deal with that.
MW: So… what if your husband came to you and was like, there’s this other chick I wanna bang… and you could tell him you feel the same way… like, do you believe in open relationships?
Anonymous: I used to consider it because I didn’t know how to deal with the feelings I was dealing with. But now, no. Only because I completely want to be free. I don’t want to be in an open relationship with my husband because I know my husband. For the same reason he wouldn’t want to be in an open relationship with me, I wouldn’t want to be in one with him. Because you’re not going to be out here doing all kinds of nasty, dirty, disgusting stuff to chicks and then be seen in the limelight with me. And people are looking at me like, ugh, does she know what he really does? And that’s also one of the reasons why my husband never wanted to go into one of those types of relationships with me. It would have to be a straight up split where I’m okay what I’m doing. If there are flicks out there with me in them, I’m okay with that because I’m not your wife anymore and it’s alright.
MW: Especially, too, explaining an open relationship to your children –
Anonymous: Yeah because I’m not going to present this idea that we’re together but behind closed doors we’re not together because we’re having these illicit relationships.
MW: So… you said you want to be free?
Anonymous: Yeah. Yeah. I’m okay with that at this point.
MW: And have you communicated that?
Anonymous: Yeah. But it wasn’t real… well received. It was like, what do you mean you want to be free? You can never want to be free – we’re a family! (laughs) And of course we’ll always be family but… I gotta go. I wanna be free!
MW: Have you felt this um… Okay, I’ll speak for myself. Before I got married I would have these periods of insecurity, like, I’m so lonely, don’t nobody want me… I’ll never have a family. But now that I’ve had the continual love and support of one person, who finds me sexy regardless of what I look like – crust in my eyes, dimples in my ass, whatever, baby weight, no baby weight – and then I have these kids so I have this growing authority of being a mother. I’m somebody’s mama. It’s like, in my life in a lot of ways, I’m the top bitch. And I’m doing what I want career-wise, I’m expressing my artistic creativity – I’m starting to feel myself in a way I’ve never felt myself before. And part of that opening is definitely sexual. It’s like a flower…
MW: For the first time in my life I’m really… opening…
MW: So what do you do with that when you are locked down? What have women done all these years?
Anonymous: I don’t know. And that’s a good question. That’s what I have always wanted to be able to ask a woman, but number one, where do you find them? Who’s going to be open enough to tell you that type of stuff? So yeah, I don’t know. That’s a good one.
MW: So you felt yourself flowering too?
Anonymous: Oh hell yeah I was flowering! Girl… (laughs) Blossoming, flowering and glowing… yeah. Anytime you get into something new and you feel that energy, that rush, that oxytocin fluttering around in your brain. That’s how that stuff starts. And that’s why you have to be careful when you say, I’m going to be with this person forever. It stunned me that another person could make me feel this way. It flipped my world upside down. Because when I first married I never in my life imagined that I woulda did something like that. But when it happened, it was so natural. It flowed. It wasn’t something devious or dirty. It was just…natural. It was a natural friendship that just blossomed into something else… but it just blossomed at the wrong time.
MW: Were you happy in your marriage when your fling started?
Anonymous: No. I had just been dealing with it a lot better. And even then, I was dealing with it better than I deal with it now. Now, my patience is just a lot shorter. It’s ridiculous. I would say I was happy because I was still… present, you know? My heart was still in it, my mind was still in it.
MW: You were in love with your husband? Not just loving him?
Anonymous: I think I was in love with him but afterwards… after that happened… I started wondering to myself, have you been in love all this time? Or have you just been content because you’ve got this marriage and it’s so wonderful and people always want this and women whine about this and you have it so you’re content because you’re settling with something that you think women all across America want? And when did it turn to that? When did it turn from being in love to having what people might call, a “perfect marriage?”
MW: Well… for women who might be reading this who are in a similar situation, tell them – how do you get your fuck on and not get caught? (laughs)
Anonymous: (Laughs) Well… I don’t know. I honestly don’t even know how in the fuck I pulled it off. I tell you what, act normal. As normal as possible…
MW: Otherwise it’s going to be like that scene in that Tyler Perry movie where he was like, sixty days ago you came in this house happier than you’ve ever been…(laughs)
Anonymous: Yes! (laughs) And that will fuck it up! I told you when I did it, I was trying to cover up how happy I was and how glowing I was. I had to darn near pull that back some because I couldn’t show him…
MW: Stop smiling!
Anonymous: Yeah, it was like, stop smiling! Don’t be beautiful! Stop being beautiful! You better put that scarf on, wrap that hair up, don’t be walking around here with a new attitude, you are not a new person! You are not that new bitch you think you is, okay? You are the same chick! Get your mind right! That’s the best advice I can give. Don’t start being on no new, different shit. If you go to the store at eight o’clock at night before you cheated, go to the store at eight o’clock at night after you cheated. Not 8:01, not 8:02, not ten o’clock. That’s a red flag, okay? Keep your routine. That’s the only way. I can’t believe I’m giving advice to lead women astray, Jesus please forgive me…(laughs)
MW: Don’t feel bad. This is just for all the women who may have given themselves “permission.”
Anonymous: Just… be you, as much as you can.
MW: Did you ever worry that your husband would leave you if he found out?
Anonymous: I don’t think I worried that he would leave me if he found out. I worried that he would hurt. I’m okay if he leaves… I just don’t want him to hurt so bad. I don’t want him to… I think the main thing that I worry about is him looking at me differently. Because he would stop seeing me as the best friend I’ve been down the years. I would just be this this evil bitch…
MW: But you were able to be his best friend when you found out what he did…
Anonymous: Yeah I know, but we all know about that double standard. Where, as a woman, if a man falls to his weakness you’re supposed to be forgiving and understanding but as a woman, if you fall to your weakness, then men act like it’s a moral crisis.
MW: Like, she’s no longer virtuous…
Anonymous: Yeah. You become a walking, talking moral crisis. I won’t be labeled as that. I’m fucking human.
MW: Damn right you are.
Anonymous: I’m human.
MW: You told me once that your friend didn’t make this about your marriage. It wasn’t about trying to steal you from your husband….
Anonymous: No, he never made it about my marriage. Dude never came at me like, fuck that nigga. He can’t do shit I can do. I can take care of you better than that. He never came at me like that. He never made it personal. It was never about getting back at him or being mean to him. His whole concept was just, come get this dick. I know you’re married. I know you are. But come get this dick. Stay focused on the goal. You need this and I’m trying to give it to you right now. (laughs) I’m trying to give you this penis, no strings attached. Come take it. Which coincidentally, was a great part of the love making… (Stares off into space) Can’t go that deep though. (laughs) Gotta save something.
MW: Bitch, take that glow off your face!
Anonymous: Yeah, gotta take that glow off!
MW: One more question… did you ever complain to this guy about your husband?
Anonymous: No, never. That’s one thing I would always – that’s some advice too – never bring your guy into it. Even when he asked me, so are you happy? I would say, yeah, I’m happy. But I know something is happening between me and you. My husband is out of it. He’s not the reason or motivation for any of that.
MW: Any last words?
Anonymous: No, I’ve said enough. I’m going to zip it up and tuck it away in my heart. (laughs)
MW: Thank you.
Anonymous: You’re welcome.