“just to make a long story short - I’ve been molested. On both sides of my family. By a girl and a guy.” [An interview]Read Now
Anonymous: I was living in Georgia and I was new there and I was going to the library just getting books and stuff…
MW: How old were you?
Anonymous: At that time I was probably like 27 or 28. So I came across this book called Secret Survivor and I said, hmmm, that sounds interesting. So I just started reading through it real quick and it was talking about adults who have survived domestic violence, incest, rape, and those types of things, and the book had all of their stories. So I started reading this book and it was crazy because I didn’t realize how powerful your mind is, how it protects you from things, thoughts, everything, to the point where your mind could think up something that ain’t even really happen to protect you, or make you forget something that actually really did happen, to protect you, too. Girl it just started to make me remember things that I had purposely tried to forget. You know like, things that I thought – because don’t you know how sometimes you’ll think about stuff and be like, did that even really happen? Or, am I tweaking? And then you might share it with somebody else and they’ll be like, yeah, it was like that but it wasn’t that color, or it did happen like that but it was in a different space than where you thought it was.
Anyway, it was so weird. I started remembering things like… just to make a long story short… you know I’ve been molested. On both sides of my family. By a girl and a guy.
MW: Oh shit.
Anonymous: Yes. And it’s like the one I had actually really tried to forget was the one with the girl. And this is one of my, kind of like, who I thought was a role model to me, now.
MW: Oh shit.
Anonymous: Yeah, and like, that was my favorite cousin so I tried to like forget that. Like, I wondered did it really happen, but it did, because I know it did, because I remember it, you know what I’m saying? I remember like every summer I would go down south to visit my grandmother, and I had a cousin there who would do the same shit. And it was like, it didn’t matter which side of the family I was on. And so it made me ask my sister – and I was so scared to ask her because I just was worried, like, did she remember any of this stuff? Or did anything ever happen to her? Because I tried to protect her from anything happening to her. But she didn’t know nothing. Nothing ever happened to her.
What’s weird to me is that I still love those people. I still love them. And I want to say something but I don’t want to say nothing because I’m scared to bring it up. You know how like when you’re growing up and maturing and getting your spiritual self together and it’s always those few things that stick in your head and bother you that you just want to get off your chest so it can just be done? That’s like a couple of the things that I think is like, on me, that’s holding me that I never addressed before. And another thing – one of my favorite cousins – we were like best friends – she married to the guy that I was in love with. Me and him were best friends and we used to have sex and stuff like that. He told me he had a dream, he said, I had a dream I had sex with you and your cousin, and I was like, huh? Whatever. And I told her. And it seemed like as soon as I told her that…
MW: She married him.
Anonymous: She married to him now, and they have two children together.
MW: Oh shit.
Anonymous: Umm hmm, and you know they were sleeping around together behind my back but I didn’t find out until she popped up pregnant but you know she didn’t believe in abortions or anything like that. So that’s another thing that’s stuck with me, too, and it bothers me because we don’t talk. Me and her was like this, okay? (Crosses index and middle fingers) Of course I wasn’t in her wedding. And everybody was like, why the hell you ain’t in her wedding? But how I look being in that shit? It would have been so weird and so uncomfortable. And it’s like the relationship that me and him had – it’s so weird because I can’t even talk to him like that no more. We can’t…
MW: Oh shit… I’m sorry babe. Do you think you would have been with him, though? Or was it more like a friendship?
Anonymous: Well, I probably would have outgrown our sexual relationship just because we were more friends than anything, but we would have still been good friends. You know what I’m saying, I still think about him to this day. Not in no sexual way, though. I just… we was best friends, like best, best, besties. I would call him and we would talk to each other every day about everything. And then we just so happened to have sex one time because… it was so crazy… I was dating this guy and he was dating this girl, and her name just so happened to be the same as mine – it was so crazy girl.
Anyway, I had transferred schools and my boyfriend broke up with me, girl. And it was raining outside and I had called my friend crying saying, oh my boyfriend just broke up with me and shit… girl, he came over my house. In the rain. He was crying and shit because his girlfriend just broke up with him.
MW: Shut up.
Anonymous: Girl! Yes. So we talking and shit, and you know what I’m saying, he crying, and I’m crying, and we literally sitting on my mama couch crying together girl… and then we just start kissing and shit, and it just went down, G, and it was some of the best shit I have… that was some of the best shit ever in life. You know what I’m saying? It was all emotional. Have you ever had sex with somebody and ya’ll was crying and shit? All this love and all this emotion, girlll!!! That shit was…
MW: It sounds so delicious.
Anonymous: It was! It was! And I would never want my cousin to have those memories of my motherfucking husband, G! I could never… you know what I’m saying? And I think that bothers her to the point where me and her not close no more either, because if you really feel like that was just in the past and we over it, why you won’t reach out to me no more? Why when I call you and try to reach out to you, it’s nothing? You trying to keep him away from me, as far as possible. Like, my grandfather just passed… you know what I’m saying, like, that’s my real blood cousin. I don’t even have that many blood cousins. My family was married like the Brady Bunch. My real grandmother died when my father was like four. So my grandfather’s wife … my daddy’s mother that we know is really not his birth mother. She already had children. My grandfather already had children. So the grandchildren, we not really blood related. It’s only the two of us and the fact that we don't talk is sad to me.
But you know, I think that’s another reason why I think those other cousins didn’t think it was nothing wrong with them with what they was doing to be because we wasn’t blood related or some type of shit. I guess. And then you know, I had to be around them because they were my babysitters. That type of shit.
MW: Oh shit.
Anonymous: You know what I’m saying? And it’s like, how many children are going through this type of stuff? Because I didn’t really realize, but a lot of people have been molested. Even my friend that I want to grammar school with, this guy, he was talking about his uncle was molesting him. And we didn’t know! He gay now, too. That’s why I be like, are we homosexuals because we were molested as children? How is it okay to be gay then? That’s a violation! Somebody violated you and now you’re sexually confused and you don’t know what the hell you want. You know what I’m saying? That’s what make me think about the whole gay thing, because I don’t know… I’ve had sexual relationships with women as an adult, but it wasn’t because…. actually I had damn near drained that out of my mind, from what happened as a child. I was young, G. My cousin, my female cousin was giving me oral sex. And I didn’t understand it. And she used to make me do it and I used to hate it, because I remember the smell. I remember the smell. And I used to be like, it don’t smell right. And I don’t want to do this. And it was like, hair, and smell, and I was like, this is just torture. You see what I’m saying? I remember that. That’s why, honestly, when I turned 23 that’s when I became aware that girls was actually doing this shit with each other willingly, like, it was cool. And I was like, for real?! What the fuck, like seriously?! And then folks was like, my girl got a girlfriend, and all that shit, and I was like, what the fuck is all the hype about? Okay, I want to see what the fuck the hype is all about! But when I did it, it was like, more of an experimentation type of thing, because I had remembered that happening to me but I was just was like grossed out from it, you know what I’m saying? And then my male cousin, he used to do stuff like try to force me to give him oral sex. Like to the point where I never wanted to be left alone with him but it was like, what am I gon’ tell my mama?
Why didn’t you tell her?
Anonymous: Because I was sc – first of all, my mama is crazy.
MW: So you were protecting him from your mom?
Anonymous: Yeah, and myself because my mama is crazy, G. She’ll lose her keys and blame you. You see what I’m saying? Like, somebody stole my fucking keys, and you be like, why would I steal your keys? I don’t even know how to drive, motherfucker! Like, are you serious? My mom was a firecracker, like, pow! Pow! Pow! So, honestly, I was scared. I ain’t even know if it was my fault, I ain’t know what the fuck! I didn’t know if I made them think I wanted this type of shit, or something – I don’t really know. That’s why I was like, why didn’t I say nothing? Why didn’t I say nothing? And it’s so many people who don’t say nothing… and I didn’t want that to happen!
Girl I went the fuck off the other day because my guy pissed me off. It was this little boy and it was all these different grown women bending all the way down the floor and letting him (humps the air) do all this type of shit and I mean the little boy – he been watching grown men because the way he was stroking and popping?! And I said that’s sickening, that don’t make no fucking sense. And my man was like, if that was my son… and I said no, that’s fucking molestation! I get so upset about these things because of what happened to me and my guy doesn’t know and I don’t want to tell him because he still see these motherfuckering people. Like, we still see these people! These are my family!
Anonymous: You see what I’m saying?? So it’s like for me to tell him, that cousin right there – that was one of the motherfuckers right there, and there go the other motherfucker right there. And I’m like, why is motherfuckers picking me? I look at my eyes. My eyes are the same from when I was a little kid. And my eyes ooze… I mean they don’t ooze sex but I got this seductive ass look, G. And some kids got it and some don’t but I had them eyes. My eyes were the same. And that shit is so scary because I was an innocent child. Those eyes wasn’t meaning that but it… I guess that’s what it… I don’t know. That shit is weird and scary to me because I see those eyes on little kids too, and I be like… damn. Them the ones you have to be protective of because it’s motherfuckers out here that’s sick. You know what I’m saying? And I was one of those kids that had them eyes and I look at my baby pictures and pictures of myself when I was young and my daddy was like, you was bad as hell, look at them eyes! And I’m like, I really wasn’t. In my head I was just an innocent kid, you know what I’m saying?
But yeah, that’s why with my sister, I tried to take whatever I could ‘cause I didn’t want her dealing with none of that shit. I used to… I had the feeling that she knew what was going on, because she was younger so they used to always try to make her be out the room or something like that. They would tell her to go get this or go get that, and I would be like (sigh) why? Why? I would be like ma, why ya’ll gotta go, where ya’ll going? And she would be like, oh we’ll be back. Every time, too. I’m like damn?! This shit is ridiculous.
And then this motherfucker tried that shit too when I was grown. I was like, this shit is not finna be happening. The last time I remember he tried to do that shit, my grandfather down south had died, and I was at least 21 because I could get in the club, and this motherfucker was really trying to pull it. And I was like, are you fucking serious?! No!! And this motherfucker was actually pushing up on me and I was like nigga, are you gon’ make me tell Grandma some shit like this now? All this time and you gon’ make me tell Grandma some shit like this? And he was like, well…
And then my other cousin that’s here – well he in jail now – actually both of them motherfuckers is in jail – that’s why I was like, what the fuck? Is it me? Because this is three cousins. Two guys on each side of my family and one female. But I wonder does she even remember that shit or did she put it out of her mind?
MW: Of course she remembers that shit, she was grown.
Anonymous: Because she’s like five or six years older than me so she wasn’t like…
MW: Oh I see what you’re saying…
Anonymous: But she was old enough to know that shit wasn’t right because she was like in high school or some type of shit and I wasn’t. Five years is a big gap when you that young, you know what I’m saying? So I was like, you know… but that’s one thing that always bothered me, and I mentioned it to my sister and she was mad because I didn’t say nothing. And that’s the thing when you be like, damn, why didn’t I say nothing? I just was scared because I knew it was going to break the whole fucking family down, G. That shit is some serious shit. That shit can cause all kind of problems. And then you know, when I was reading about how this shit be in the family and people don’t know, or people try to make it seem like it ain’t shit… and I seen my mother blaming me for some reason. I’m scared to tell her because she never made me feel safe to tell her certain shit. She always made me scared of her. I always been scared of my mama. And that’s not good. Because now – even my relationships with friends, anybody – if I feel too much pressure, I just go. I don’t want to talk to you no more, I don’t need to argue or fight with you, I don’t even need to be around you, I’m just gon’ totally disappear if I can. And sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not good cause sometimes you need to deal with certain shit. You know what I‘m saying? But I run G, because I don’t like all the extra shit, you know what I’m saying?
Like, I really love her though [my cousin]. You know what I’m saying? And I don’t really understand what she was going through when she was doing that, but I do know she is a good person, and maybe something happened to her. You never know. But see it’s like, the thing about it that’s so weird… I don’t wanna bring it up, G. I don’t know… I just can’t… I don’t know if I could do it.
~Takes a break~
Anonymous: I had two abortions. One when I was 19, and one when I was 20. It was pretty much back to back. Like, I was with this guy in college, my freshman year in college – at least I was out of high school the first time I got pregnant – that’s how I was feeling – like it wasn’t so bad as it would have been if I was in high school. But my parents were like – my Dad was the main one like, you ain’t having no kids, you too young! And then on top of that the guy that I was dating was abusive. Just before I found out I was pregnant the dude had tried to fight me and I had never been in no relationship like that. And the first thing I thought about was my daddy going to jail cus he finna kill this nigga, you see what I’m saying? I seen this whole big thing and I said, I can’t deal with this guy. Soon as I’m about to break up with him, I found out I was pregnant. I told him I was pregnant and he talking about some, is it mine? Girl you know I was straight at the chop shop.
MW: The chop shop?
Anonymous: At the time, that’s how I felt about it, you see what I’m saying? I didn’t… it never crossed my mind. I never felt bad about it or nothing. And then, I met another guy – I had transferred from that college to another school and I met this other guy and he was like 27 years old and I was about to be 20, and he was my boyfriend after the other dude and I wound up getting pregnant by him. And I waited until I was three months before I had the abortion because I was not really sure if I wanted to do it or not because my parents – my dad and my mom still was like, no, I shouldn’t keep it. So I had an abortion. And then I remember I didn’t come on my period for nine whole months. That shit had my whole brain fucked up. It was so crazy because every time I seen a baby, I would start to cry. My cousin – the one who I was telling you about – she went behind my back with my best friend and got pregnant – so then she had the baby around that same time. It was all this shit, G, it was too much. And then I have never been pregnant, never again, since then.
And oh shit, this another good one right here. One other time I thought I was pregnant. This was last year. My guy went out of town and I was alone, and I cheated on him with a guy. And of course, he did the dig inside of me and I was like, fuck. So my menstrual cycle was real weird all of a sudden. Once minute it’s real heavy and the next minute it’s not there. So, I’m like, my period acting funny, so I told my sister and she was like, Imma bring you these pregnancy tests I have. So she brought me these tests , I’m downstairs kicking it with my neighbors and shit, I come upstairs and take the pregnancy test and girl, it say I’m pregnant. I said what the fuck because I know me and my guy ain’t had no sex, so I’m like oh shit. So now my sister is like, you need to find out exactly how far along you are. I go to the doctor for the ultrasound or whatever. Why they tell me my uterus was empty? And I’m like, huh? So you know it’s like these mixed emotions going up and down, up and down, and they telling me it’s empty. So then they send in another doctor, and another doctor, and they checking, checking, checking. They gave me another pregnancy test. I’m not pregnant. So I called my sister and I’m telling her what’s going on, and she go in her purse like, what pregnancy test did you take? I’m like, the one that was in your purse. Girl, why… (laughs)
MW: Wait… so she was pregnant?
Anonymous: Girl, why I pee on her old test? (laughs) She had saved the motherfucker in the box, G, and it had fell out and I was wondering, why is this motherfucker loose in the box? Why it ain’t in no package or nothing? You know what I’m saying. And I pissed on it like this shit turned fast as hell! But it was already positive.
Anonymous: Yes, went to the doctor and had to pay $100 for an ultrasound and all kind of shit, girl. Yes.
MW: That’s so funny.
Anonymous: So after that I was like, I can’t be cheating and shit. Because I was scared as hell. And I was like no, I can’t be the type to have no baby with a dude and be lying and be telling him it’s his kid when it ain’t. I just couldn’t do no shit like that. And he would be so happy to have a child by me too, and it ain’t even his? Girrrrllll….that nigga will kill me. So that was it, that was my scare. Scared straight. Because I’m not a condom person. I can’t do it.
MW: Me neither.
Anonymous: I can’t. And that’s why I know I cannot possibly get pregnant easily because I’ve been with plenty of guys since I was younger and they all skeet, skeet, skeet, and nothing. I’ve been in plenty of relationships. I was with this one dude – we used to have sex every single day except for the days that I was on my menstrual cycle – every damn day, once in the morning and once at night, and I never got pregnant by him one time. That’s why I’m like, what the fuck is wrong with me? And that’s one thing too that bothered me – I be hearing them mama songs and I be feeling that shit. I be feeling bad. I get real extra emotional about that type of shit.