Deciding Not to Have Children
I love being who I am. I’m probably the last girl who loves being a girl. I like being feminine. I like being a wife. I would have loved to have been a mother. I’m like the sun and the moon. Those two entities are gonna always be. That’s it. I don’t know how to be anything else. The moon doesn’t know how to be anything else. The sun doesn’t know how to be anything else. This is me. And I enjoy it.
At first when we got married we had decided we weren’t going to have children because we were going to do a lot of traveling. Plus, you know, we felt like… the world is bad so we shouldn’t have children. But then we got older and started talking and thought, ok, maybe we will. And I really… especially when my nieces and nephews started getting born, that maternal thing in me kicked up. With my first few nieces and nephews, I was young and in the streets, like, hey cute baby, bye, gotta go. But then I got married and I wasn’t so much in the streets and I started seeing the kids and, you know, that was a draw. But it seemed like he would use that as a power play – no, we’re not gonna have any kids. No. Everybody tells me I should have just gotten pregnant but I couldn’t consciously get pregnant without knowing if he was one hundred percent on board with this. If we had a fight he would say, no, you’re going to leave me so we’re not going to have kids, or we aren’t going to have kids ‘cause that’s going to stop us from doing this and doing that….so it became a…punishment.
It came and went. It was yes and then it was no and then it was yes, and then it was, you said you was going to leave me because I did something crazy… you know. To me, it became a power play. But a lot of it….I realized he really prefers to have all of my attention. But it’s not that he doesn’t… I mean he loves kids. He’s crazy about my nieces and nephews. Crazy about them. He loves kids. He’s just…
I know one time, when his brother had his first child, then he went, oh, I want to have kids now. I want to do it before my younger brother has kids. And I just looked at him. I was like, oh, because he beat you at having a kid, now you want to have a kid? That’s not a reason to have children.
At one point, I wasn’t taking anything. But if he came with the… you know… I was like, stop. Are you protected? Because, I’m in this. Accidents can happen. And it would be your fault. So you can’t blame me. Because I never wanted to have a child and then have him look at me like, I told you didn’t want kids…I didn’t want him to say, it’s your fault we can’t do this or that because you had a baby. I just couldn’t do that. Any child that lives or comes anywhere near me is going to get loved, respected, cuddled, cared for… and it has to be a group effort.