Real Stories: Sexual Abuse
My mom’s first husband.. she married him when I was 6, so my mom was like 26. He molested me from the age of 6 until… I don’t really know when it ended because my entire childhood is blocked out. I remember it in bits and pieces, but its blocked out until like 13, 14. Like until my mom met her second husband. After that I had a memory but from those first 14 years of my life, I don’t remember anything.
I’ve worked really hard. This is the first time in a while I’ve been able to have this conversation without crying at all. And I don’t know if its like… (long pause) I think for so long I did not want it be a part of who I am as a person - my identity. But it is, you know? And that stings a little. (long pause) Because of all the things that I am, victim is something I never saw myself as. But even the word "survivor," its like I don’t want to be associated with that those things. To be associated with "victim" or "survivor" is to be associated with the effects of those things, you know? (crying) It just like, sucks. (laughs)
And the worse part is when you be in school studying this shit...And you checking off boxes like, no this isn't me, no, no, I am not a statistic. But then you are. Because you don’t remember your childhood. Because intimacy freaks you out a little bit. You know what I mean? Like, it took years to enjoy a guy going down on me. Years. Years. Because as a child you enjoy it because its sexual. But you’re not supposed to… it just… horrible.
Its crazy. Its so fucking crazy. And I think that's a lowkey fear I have about not wanting kids because, lets just say I marry a man who molested my child. Of course I would divorce him, that's a wrap. Of course. But my thing is like, I would never want to subject the shit I’ve had to deal with to my worst enemy. This is gonna be a lifelong journey for me. It's not something that six months or a year of therapy is going to fix. And I used to think that it would be. And it wasn't until recently that I was like, fuck!
This shit is never going away. Its never fucking going away. And the fucked up part is that when I am in a relationship with a person and we’re together for a couple of months or whatever and I end up telling that person, so… let me explain to you what happened to me when I was little and explain why I am the way I am about certain things... You can see a light bulb flicker in their head because they’re like, fuck, now I know why you are the way you are. Its crazy. Because its like, what percentage of crazy would I be if this hadn’t happened to me? Its just crazy. It drives me crazy. But its not something I deal with on a daily basis. But when it hits me, its like a fucking truck.
I think those other cousins didn’t think it was nothing wrong with what they was doing to me because we wasn’t blood related. I guess. And then you know, I had to be around them because they were my babysitters. That type of shit.
You know what I’m saying? And it’s like, how many children are going through this type of stuff? Because I didn’t really realize, but a lot of people have been molested. Even my friend that I want to grammar school with, this guy, he was talking about his uncle was molesting him. And we didn’t know! He gay now, too. That’s why I be like, are we homosexuals because we were molested as children? How is it okay to be gay then? That’s a violation! Somebody violated you and now you’re sexually confused and you don’t know what the hell you want. You know what I’m saying?
That’s what make me think about the whole gay thing, because I don’t know… I’ve had sexual relationships with women as an adult, but it wasn’t because…. actually I had damn near drained that out of my mind, from what happened as a child. I was young, G. My cousin, my female cousin was giving me oral sex. And I didn’t understand it. And she used to make me do it and I used to hate it, because I remember the smell. I remember the smell. And I used to be like, it don’t smell right. And I don’t want to do this. And it was like, hair, and smell, and I was like, this is just torture. You see what I’m saying? I remember that.
That’s why, honestly, when I turned 23 that’s when I became aware that girls was actually doing this shit with each other willingly, like, it was cool. And I was like, for real?! What the fuck, like seriously?! And then folks was like, my girl got a girlfriend, and all that shit, and I was like, what the fuck is all the hype about? Okay, I want to see what the fuck the hype is all about! But when I did it, it was like, more of an experimentation type of thing, because I had remembered that happening to me but I was just was like grossed out from it, you know what I’m saying? And then my male cousin, he used to do stuff like try to force me to give him oral sex. Like to the point where I never wanted to be left alone with him but it was like, what am I gon’ tell my mama?
Because my mama is crazy, G. She’ll lose her keys and blame you. You see what I’m saying? Like, somebody stole my fucking keys, and you be like, why would I steal your keys? I don’t even know how to drive, motherfucker! Like, are you serious? My mom was a firecracker, like, pow! Pow! Pow! So, honestly, I was scared. I ain’t even know if it was my fault, I ain’t know what the fuck! I didn’t know if I made them think I wanted this type of shit, or something – I don’t really know. That’s why I was like, why didn’t I say nothing? Why didn’t I say nothing? And it’s so many people who don’t say nothing.
Basically I just got to a point where I was old enough and I just put a stop to it. I spoke out. I told. My dad kind of knew I told because I had this smug look on my face. So the last thing he said to me was, you a selfish bitch! And then he said he was going to kill himself, but he didn’t. He left.
So that was the end of the relationship as far as me and my father was concerned. But he would always say this one thing that like would really get in my head. Because the only thing I ever wanted him to say was, I’m sorry for fucking up your life. He could never do that. And on top of that, when he would get in his drunk rages he would start talking about how bad his childhood was. And if I said how bad my childhood was, then he would say something to the effect of, the statute of limitations is up so you can’t do anything about it.
But guess what? When I was pregnant with my daughter I started reading the state law and it said the statute of limitations is up after ten years, however – if you’re the legal guardian or parent of this particular individual – the statute of limitations is not up until ten years after their 18th birthday. I was 28 at this time, so I went and started prosecuting him based under that law. Because if you’re their guardian and you control them, you can make them do whatever sexual shit you want them to, under the guise of, I’m your parent and if you don’t do this, I’m going to do this, this and that. Or I’m not going to do this, this and that.
But I started the prosecution because by me having a daughter I was like, hell no. Hell no. So my dad always had this thing that he would never go to prison. He always said if he had to go to prison, he would kill himself before he went. And we all thought that was bull. Like, for real? But he really had the biggest fear of being gang raped in prison and I guess I would too if molested my own daughter. Because yeah, they really gon’ get yo’ ass. I mean they really gon’ get yo’ ass anyway, but they really gon’ get yo’ ass if you’re a rapist. So when I put that heat on his ass he couldn’t take it so he hung himself.
I’ve cried just about all I can about all of that stuff. I’m at a point where… it don’t affect me no more. There was a point where I wouldn’t have been able to tell nobody about all this. But if it helps somebody else, then I’m gon’ talk about it.
That’s how the cycle gon’ stop. Because if that’s a cycle, or a generational curse, or whatever it is, its gon’ stop with this one here. So I put a stop to that shit.